Tuesday, April 14, 2009

♫ Why It'd Be Easier to be Male

I have a feeling, Im going to get some backlash on this one. At least I hope so. Men, you’ve been quite unresponsive to the blog lately, I miss you.

It’s official. I want to be male. Not in a creepy..."I want a sex change"...way, but in a, "I really wanna be able to pee outside!" way. I have a theory, that life is easier for the guys. Let me know if I’ve got this right.

Men can pee standing up.

You cant argue that. Any girl that enjoys the outdoors envy’s you with full force. You should watch sometime. Actually, don’t. You’ll probably get hit. Let me tell you the process.

First, we get to scrounge for toilet paper. And for whatever reason, it’s impossible to remember until you’ve hiked three miles to find the tree that’s five feet wide, clean, un-prickled, and never before used because it’s so far away from the campground. So, you fight yourself on "air drying", a leaf, or the hike back, in hopes that you find your perfect tree again.

Second. The squat. Honestly, im a pretty flexible person. But im convinced that even those most graceful acrobat, could not do this act in a attractive manor. You have to put your feet so far in front of you that you and spread far apart 1) so that you wont get wet, 2) wont get poked by nature, and 3) to balance to hold your pants up, your body up, and your back against the tree.

Third. The maneuver you have to perform to get BACK UP is ridiculous.

On top of all that, this is just one example. Y’all don’t just pee standing up when you’re camping in pretty weather, huh? No. You get to go in COOL places. You know, public parking lots, backyards, middle of the street, off the back of a pickup. And I know you draw cool things in the snow (PS-writing our name in the snow, is NOT romantic, it’s disgusting, and also brings up the irritation that we cant. ). Jerks.

Men don’t have feelings

Ok. Men have feelings. But they don’t explode all over everything whenever they want. They’re also buried a lot deeper, so they’re harder to reach, and thus, get in the way of life much less.

One fallback for men is, this is both a strength and a weakness. Those that DO have feelings, are called names. Your either a mamma’s boy, or gay. Sorry gents, women are cruel.

Men don’t have bathroom party’s.

If you didn’t read the blog about our most embarrassing moments, click here and read about my "Hallelujah! Bathroom party". It was humiliating, but also fact. Not only do we get emotionally unpredictable every month, but we have to be high maintenance and go to the effing bathroom every four hours, avoid sex, shower standing up (you know, instead of the laying down bath kind of cleansing), avoid hot tubs, become completely unpredictable eruptive bitches, and deal with you. Y’all complain about PMS, but don’t realize that we’re tortured by our own body’s once a month. Give us a break, aight?

If we didn’t like sex so much, we’d be lesbians- - and you’d still like us!

Confession: I stole that quote from one of the coolest girls ever.

Another confession: we all think it in some fashion.

No, we don’t like girls THAT much. We just hate you that much...at least every so often. You play these mind games. Whether it’s intentional or not, you screw with our heads in a huge way with every single move you make. We think you’re in love with us, and then in the same moment, have the ability to think you’re abandoning us. You’re impossible to figure out, seem difficult to please, and as much as we encrypt our messages-we do tell you everything we want, and you stare at us blankly and keep moving on your way.

Women are pretty simple creatures. Correction. Most women are pretty simple creatures. Once a month, you buy us flowers and duck and cover. You make some effort in decrypting us and doing what we ask. Remember two dates: our birthday, and our anniversary. And you spoil us rotten. That’s it! It’s that easy, I promise.

Yours Truly,


Anonymous said...

Well....where do I start? First of all 'missy...women can pee standing up! We just need to practice in the shower, bunche! We need to be good enough at it that we don't wet down ourselves in a gross public bathroom where we choose to stand and pee! My sister told me about this and even gave me an entire page of instructions. Just so you know...I'm still mastering the art of peeing standing up... :)>

Now onto men's feelings and sex...oh you are so on girl! What is it about boyfriends that become husbands?? They were once wonderful lovers and pampered us constantly. Now...after they get settled in life, they don't do jack shit! No wonder we women wander...

I have always been a hopeless romantic and music is my sanity! I want more, will always want more...more passion, more sex, more touching, more kissing, more adoring each others bodies and feelings...

Is there such a man out there for me? I'm sure that is another subject on your blog, another day...

Good job on this one!

Anonymous said...

I dont agree that being a male would be easier. I enjoy the art of peeing outdoors. In fact I enjoyed teaching my daughter how to master this art.

Onto feelings I think I have found a guy that could care less about what people say about his feelings. He shows them more than any other man I know and I love him for that and for the example he has set for our son. As far as sex goes we have been married for 10 years now and are still as much into each other as we were 10 years ago. I think it is all about the man that you find and how much you enjoy and how comfortable you are with that person. Great blog Nomz I always enjoy reading.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree....all they do is complain about how difficult we are and that we are so moody. Well there is a reason men aren't women, cause they couldn't handle it. They whine when we're pregnant, they should try being all huge, moody and then at the end still have to push a baby out. They could sleep with 30 girls and there friends think they are awesome, we do it and we are sluts. Plus with each one for the next month we get to worry about being prego. I want to be a guy too!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Where to begin? This starts off ok then quickly turns to some minor man-bashing. Well, more like man-repeatedly-poking-me-in-the-arm-annoying as opposed to bashing. But I digress. I'll tackle this point by point. 1)peeing..when you're a man the world is your urinal. That IS pretty sweet. However, as a man that loves the outdoors, let me say that there are TWO forms of relieving oneself and we have to go through the same crap (no pun intended) you do when we do it. So we can relate. 2)feelings..we have them, we just don't go unleashing them on everyone and everything whenever the wind changes direction like a woman does. It's a double-edged sword for us. Women claim to want a man that can communicate his feelings and talk and be sensitive to her, but when we do you say things like "You're either a mama's boy, or gay." Make up your mind. You can't have it both ways ladies. 3)Men and periods. We don't have them. Admittedly it's freakin' sweet. You do. Deal with it or get on some pill that stops them but don't use it as an excuse to make our lives miserable. It's not our fault your're irritable/cramped/bloated/tired/happy/sad/angry/bleeding in succession and all at once. God made you that way. Be pissed at Him, not us. And believe me, we don't like that time of the month any more than you do because we have to deal with you. 4)Lesbians/sex, etc. Not liking sex wouldn't make you a lesbian. It'd make you someone that doesn't like sex. So every now and then you hate us eh? Hate is a pretty strong word. But let me let you in on a guy secret...YOU WOMEN ARE NO FREAKIN' PICNIC IN A RELATIONSHIP EITHER. WE play mind games?? WE screw with YOUR heads? That's the pot calling the kettle black. You said, "We think your in love with us...have the ability to think you're abandoning us." Why are we at fault for your insecurities? I love this one too, "as much as we encrypt our messages..." Let's think about the word encrypt. Defined as encoding data to render it unreadable to all but those with a key. Hmmmmmmmm....I wonder if THAT might be part of the problem. I've yet to meet a woman that just said what they had to say without clues, hints, innuendos, double meanings, and/or "I said this but I meant that." And while we're jumping from hoop to hoop trying to figure out what the heck you want from us, what are you doing??? Complaining we don't listen to you. Ever watched a group of men communicate with each other? I mean really studied it and not just observed? We don't "encrypt" unless we know the truth will cause you to yell, bitch, moan, nag, or otherwise verbally irritate us. We don't read minds. What is a clear hint, cue, or innuendo to you is confusion to us, ESPECIALLY since you guys are so inconsistent with them. 5)women are simple creatures. Riiiiiiight. Mechanical physics of subatomic particles is easier to understand than a woman.

So I'm reading these comments and I see things like "they used to pamper us and now the don't do jack shit." Where is it written we have to pamper you? Why don't you pamper us and not be so selfish? You want to be pampered, go to the spa. Why isn't anyone pampering and spoiling us guys? I also liked the part about us not being able to handle being a woman from the other comment. From the reading I've done here tonight it sounds more like you guys can't handle being a woman.

But all that being said, we as a gender do love you ladies despite all your annoyances and imperfections (unless the man is gay of course). All we ask is for you to return the favor. And pamper US once in a while. As much as you ladies want to be treated like a queen, we men want to be treated like a king. It's a two way street. My motto is "what you give you shall receive in kind."

Anonymous said...

Well...since I was the first "anonymous" to write...I feel I should write again based on comments of the "guy" above.

Yes you use to pamper us women...and I'm all about pampering men, literally taking care of a man, both mentally and physically....BUT....if you sit on your ass and get fat, drink beer every single day, smoke and don't lift a finger around the house, then I won't pamper you. If you take care of yourself mentally and physically, help a bit around the house etc...I get excited, maybe a bit moist..and I WILL pamper you physically...alot! :)>

Daily Offensive (baha!) said...

Wow. Im not even sure where to start with this. I love these comments, by far the best yet.

Whoever the gentleman is that took the time to response, thank you. I needed that laugh. You're right, on all accounts. And Im sorry that you're still single. Eerrr.. Im assuming you're still single. Because you havent found somebody to pamper you. If you arent single, maybe send her our way and let her know that some anonymous hilarious guy is handing out pointers for the women. ;)

Like you said, you get what you put in to something...once we feel spoiled, you should get spoiled.

Stupid balance is always off between Venus and Mars, and we owe you a big 'Thank You' for putting up with a lot of our crap. But you gotta admit y'all are peaches and cream either.

I love these comments, y'all are the best!

Anonymous said...

As the guy who posted earlier, I feel I should retort. To the "woman" that said "I'm all about pampering men, yada yada yada, but if you sit on your ass and get fat, yada yada yada," you must be talking about YOUR man. But based on your comment it's obvious you do EVERYTHING while your man never leaves the couch, not even to work. Oh, and you're a supermodel too I'm sure. Probably perfect in every way. But if your man is such a zero, stop being an enabler and lose him.

It's interesting that out of all my valid points, the only one you chose to address was the pampering thing (the blog's author misinterpreted the comment too but at least she mentioned my real points). The pampering thing was me merely saying that these things are a two way street and women should stop expecting to be pampered if they aren't willing to reciprocate. You guys were the ones crying about not being pampered, not me. And to "Nomz," whether or not a woman pampers me is the least of my concerns in a relationship. I, unlike apparently all of the women in this posting line, don't sit and whine that I'm not being pampered by someone. If I'm not getting what I want in a relationship I either do it myself or find a different relationship.

But back to the firs "woman," the point of my post, wasn't about pampering. That was but one small point, not even a main point, included as a response to your whining about your man not pampering you. I'm sorry you don't get that and can't see the real points of my comments.

And to Nomz, with all respect, you yourself expected a backlash from your post, you got one (which was really a series of counterpoints to your arguments and a couple of helpful hints from a guy's perspective), and now you want to insult with condescending comments. Too bad. I thought this would be a forum for intelligent discussion on gender differences. Instead, like many women's blogs, it's just a forum for women to circle the wagons and man bash. Not that you wouldn't see the same thing in a man's blog. I was just looking for something substantial and different. Looks like I'll have to keep looking.
Good luck with your love lives ladies. You'll need it.

Daily Offensive (baha!) said...

Hmmm...Im feeling a bit of a hidden "you typical women and your rants"...thing. Because I threw in one little insult after addressing your points, I am both typical, demeaning, and condescending. I apologize, for attempting to make light in a...ahem...very serious debate on gender.

You're right, we all need luck with our love lives. Because everyone chose to post anonymously, Im not sure who here is single, and who is not (again, genuinely sorry for making that assumption.)

I started this gender debate, with hopes for backlash, and healthy debate, and I do believe Im getting it. I stated what I believe the benefits are to being male, and I stand corrected on a few of those.

I've also been corrected outside of the blog, on how women have it pretty easy.

#1. We can multitask a little better. Our brains are able to handle two conversations, texting, eating, cooking, and holding a kid, all at the same time. Yours...can handle gaming OR conversation. ;) Not insulting, I will believe this is truth until proven otherwise. I had a healthy upbringing around this nonsense.

#2. We dont have to buy drinks. Rarely anyway.

There are benefits to both, of course. And I do want a healthy debate, tips to understanding your male brain(s), but in good fun too. Im glad to have such an intelligent (maybe single) man, clue us in.


Anonymous said...

This is for the "guy" who commented earlier. Good for you and way to stand up for all men around the world. I am a women who is married to an awesome man who is great at pampering and in turn gets pampered himself. We share the household chores and raising our 3 children. I happen to enjoy having someone who is willing to tell me when I am being a BI@#H and when to calm down and know that when I tell him to calm down he will understand. Maybe this is why we have been married almost 15 years. I must say that we are best friends and would have it no other way.

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