Friday, May 29, 2009

♫ Rawr, and a lil bit o' Karma

I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, than you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

You know, I always thought of that as relationship advice. Well, it is...I mean, I thought of it more as dating relationship advice, but really, it rings true, in every relationship.

Im a bit hard to handle these days. I’ve got a free spirit that makes me itch with uncomfortability (not a word, im making it one). My independence is either intimidating, or enviable. And either way, apparently, it’s contagious. I’ve either been a sucker fish on my independent friends and people I love, needing to feel that freedom, or my own is wearing off on all the wrong people. It took me a long time to find my own two feet. And now that I have, it’s making me, and my lifestyle, "hard to handle".

It’s impossible to write this blog in a way that sounds like im not pointing fingers. It’s even harder to write it clearly, so those that don’t know me well, understand. Bear with me. I am going to write one piece of what’s going on, and then im going to move on to something happier.

To the person that envies my freedom, free will, independence, strength, courage, and mistakes...I am sorry that life hasn’t dealt you everything you want to handle. And im even more sorry that you are choosing to deny it, rather than face it. Wouldn’t you rather be a messed up person, living, than a regretless person wondering what messed up feels like? It hurts to think that you want to protect people from me, instead of encouraging them to love me. It scares me that not only do you fear my strength and passion, but you are terrified of it being contagious on those closest to me. Why would you want to hold people back from being their own person? Even more, why would you want a blooming relationship, to wither, just because it’s making you uncomfortable? Being quick to judge, isn’t fair. If you cant stand in front of somebody to give them your opinion, then you are not entitled to it.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

I posted another quote on Facebook and Twitter today:

Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy if only i can find that ordinary life.

Craving the fairy tale that we see in the movies, I wanna love story. I want prince charming to sweep me off my feet, and love me forever and ever amen. And then, thank goodness there are really real people out there, I was reminded, that in most love stories, there is either a sad ending, or massive monsters that get in the way. So, even in a fairy tale love, there are challenges you have to overcome, to get what youre searching for.

Life continues to prove that you get what you put in. Good ol’ Karma never fails. Just wish we could have a little more control over when Karma steps in. ;)

Yours Truly,

Thursday, May 28, 2009

♫ I Love my Toads

In a strange mood today.

I think im overwhelmed. That’s a good word for it. Not so much with my life, but with everybody else’s.

#1. Jealousy is coming out to play for the first time ever, and I don’t like it shoving it’s ugly rear in my face. I hate how it’s on the list of uncontrollable emotions. This isn’t about material items, this is the emotional kind. The kind that pushes buttons all on its own. The kind that brings out your evil imagination to play and convince you that whatever your biggest fear is, may actually come true. Things like, you’re not good enough, or she’s better, or she is going to be the rain on your parade no matter how pretty your float. oh hai self doubt, please go away.

#2. Three of my best friends are moving in separate directions, all at the same time.

My bestest best friend, moved last fall. I miss her like crazy, but have surprisingly, survived.

The rest of them:

The best sister in the world has decided to move to Laramie to persue school. I am behind her alllll the way, you can call me her biggest fan, waving the big ugly "You’re number 1!" foam finger in the front row, it just sucks.

My best bloggess friend, former co-worker, and biggest inspiration, Sarah, is moving home to Idaho. Every time she talks about it, I tear up. Im attached to her, and her little boy, like they were mine all mine.

My new co-worker friend has the coolest hair ever, massive amounts of talent, and a way of listening and relating, like nobody’s business. This chick is going places. And in a hurry. She’s moving to Illinois this weekend to get her masters degree. Once again, I am the obnoxious biggest fan, but oh so heavy hearted.

I feel selfish, but it hurts to lose so many people, all at the same time. Ok, not lose. It’s not like they’re up and croaking or anything...but they are hopping. Frogs either way. All of you. Toads even. Im gonna miss you like mad. And if I could find a way, I’d split myself in four different directions and follow you.

Life really is good for me right now. I don’t want to sound like I need a pity party. I just needed to vent. I love my toads. And I cant wait to see you succeed.

Yours Truly,

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

♫ Multitasking does not play well on the heart strings.

Multitasking is like an ill tuned guitar trying to play a love song. What’s funny, is that women brag about how great we are at it. And either I didn’t get that quality, or that’s crap. I mean, ok, we’re better than men (at multitasking...and it’s proven, im not being sexist), but not by leaps and bounds by any means.

Doing my best to not make this blog male-inspired, im not going to compare men to women. Im also going to make an attempt not to bring relationships in to it, though, with this subject, it may be impossible.

I’ve noticed recently, that my short term memory is failing more than normal. You can tell me something, and within minutes, it disappears in to all oblivion. It’s frustrating for not only the person who thought it was the most important thing ever, but for me too. I’ve been debating getting on a ginkgo biloba regimen. Does great things for the short term memory, and as an added bonus, increases sex drive. Side affects: headaches, restlessness, nausea. Headaches, are actually cured by sex (whoa nature, you rock at balancing yourself right out, don’tcha?!), but im already restless, and cant stand feeling nauseated. So, y’all are gonna have to put up with a crappy short term memory.

However, I am determined to figure out why this fabulous quality is failing so miserably.

Ive come to the conclusion, that’s it’s the multitasking.

I used to hate texting. Recently though, I’ve become a bit of an addict. It’s unfortunate, it’s causing some people to suffer, and im telling ya now, im going to try and back off. It’s a great thing, it really is. You can have short little private conversations at will, and I plan to continue to do so, but when im spending time with somebody important (now, if I am texting in front of you, Im working on it, it’s not because you’re not important), I plan on trying to back it off. Let me explain:

First of all, when im talking to four different people, or more, at once, the amount of emotions that come out are ridiculous, and start to take an affect on whomever mutters the next word. So when I get a mean text message from somebody, im mad at the next person that fidgets. When I get a funny text message, the person im with is the funniest person ever no matter what comes out next. It’s not really fair, even if they are the most angering, or funniest person ever. That’s not the real you, and that’s not your real reaction. I also think, that when four people tell you something all at the same time, your brain runs out of immediate storage space. So not only are you in emotional overload (as if we don’t get that way enough as it is, without four people assisting), you are running out of space and can no longer store it all in your "you might need this soon!" memory.

Ever sent a text message to the wrong person? I bet so. Youre thinking about one person, and talking to another, and some random person in the middle gets it. Ive done it, twice. Once again, it’s either the lack of feminine genetics that helps me multitask, or it’s completely normal to lose part of your mind when it’s going in too many different directions.

It’s painful to be on the receiving end of somebody that isn’t giving you their full attention, so it’s not really fair to do it to them, whether they can physically see you doing it, or not. Most phones allow the other person to hear the "tap tap tapping" of you texting while talking. Granted, it’s impossible for your friends to tell when you’re texting four other people at the same time, but if youre with anybody in person, they can feel you not paying attention. And just because they cant see you doing it, those four other people would probably be less than excited about them not getting your full attention.

My apologies for my manners. I plan on keeping texting in your company to a minimum. Also, hopefully with this goal, my short term memory starts to play rock star again. This bites. If not, I may have to try the Gingko. Look out world.

Yours Truly,

PS. Why, yes I did play at Nascar this weekend. And a blog will come as soon as I have pictures for you to entertain yourselves with, I promise.

Random Ramblings

(Dandelion Herd, by Me)
I want to write. Like, reallyreallyreallyreally bad. In the former days, I wrote a lot. I have binders full of my short stories and such and I have so many ideas now. But, I can’t choose one to concentrate on and put down on paper. Imagine the scene from Harry Potter- where they’re in a room full flying keyes, looking for the one with the golden ribbon that can unlock the door they want to go through. That’s me. In my head. I have all of these fickle, flittery ideas and no magic, flying broom to catch the one I want. So, I guess I’ll just stick to posting random thoughts on my blog. *hugs all our readers* thanks for being my fan-base!! :)

(Down By The Depot, by Me)
Geez, man, my son is getting so big! Where does time go? I mean, I understood it when other mommies told me they grow up too fast- but this is ridiculous! One whole year; 365 days; 8,760 hours and 52,560 (give or take 1,000) diapers later…

(Baby Steps, by Me)
I hate change. Really, I do. The little changes are okay: hair color, room décor, jobs. But, no major life rearrangement. They’re a different story. As the time for our move gets closer, I’m becoming more anxious- in an unnerving way. I really am excited to leave this place- but not all of my beautiful, kind and entertaining friends (all of my friends employ each quality, I haven’t grouped them into categories. ;-)). I don’t want to start over and have to re-establish myself with strangers. I do not want to put Malachi in day care and pay another woman to raise my son. I do not want to change these things in my life, because they are the most important.
Its my lucky day: walking home from the mall (we live across the street from it) my dad found a CUTE Guess handbag laying on the ground. He brought it home and now it’s mine! Don’t worry, people, there was no information inside of it that would let me look for the owner. No wallet or ID of any kind. Just a camera and a few anatomy flash cards. It’s pretty. I heart it. :) So, yes, guess I would have to say that if I found a load of money on the side of the road... I would keep it and not hunt down the owner. Hey, blessings come in all packages. ;-)

Rase and I watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night. I both liked it and was a little distrubed by it. There’s something about seeing a baby die of “old age” that doesn’t settle right with me. But, the movie people did an amazing job of making Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchette (can you get any prettier than Cate?! I don’t think so!!!) look both very young and very old. Special effects are jaw-dropping these days. Anyway, it got me to thinking: what if other weird things happened for humans? Like, what if our ears grew like our fingernails and we had to trim or clip them? And people who really let themselves “go” would have long, floppy ears? Yes, these are the things that go through my head.

I’ve not, yet, begun to wean mah boy. I’m not ready and neither is he. When I was at my mom’s house, I experimented by cutting back a couple feedings and he flipped. My vacation turned into a 24 hour cry fest. Well, not 24 hours, I guess. I did get about 7 hours of sleep each night. But, during the day, when he had had enough dirt to eat, he wanted to nurse. My weaning totally backfired- he became even more clingly and wanted to nurse twice as often as before. I think those are pretty clear signs that he isn’t comfortable enough to let go. And, frankly, neither am I. I’ve had such a nice 19 months of PMS-less days and eating whatever I want. I was so concentrated on getting Malachi ready that I totally overlooked own mental and emotional preparation. :-\

Regarding the whole Jon & Kate Plus 8 frenzy that the media has stirred up: I feel bad for the Gosselin family. The media has taken a normal issue (husband v. wife) and blown it so out of proportion. I do think that Kate is wound a little too tight. I do think that she needs to let Jon wear the pants in the family. But, I also think that people need not be so critical of their relationship or decision to continue with their show. They have eight children and they have done what they can do to provide for their kids and give them a life that most families of multiples do not get. Every married couple goes through a time when they re-think their decision to marry (and have kids), that does not make either of them “monsters”. I really, truly hope that Jon and Kate can get Christian counseling to save their marriage and their family’s happiness/security.

SO, I was just fired from my j-o-b, today (I'll admit, without going into detail, that I was at fault). I'm both relieved and angry. I shall vent. Not once in my entire life have I been treated so poorly at a place of employment (not even when I worked for ProActiv and didn't get paid for one whole month), experienced such two-faced people, or been fired! Seriously, okay, I know that Nomz works for the same company- but, really, she doesn't. Her boss is actually cool and on her side when it comes to the sticky situations. My boss(es) have no backbone. They don't stand up for their employees. From the very first day I started working at STP, I dealt with ridiculous issues that belonged only in junior high. I wrestled with bureaucratic bitches and politcal pettiness. They claim to be a simple and fair mom-and-pop business. Gag me. They are so corporate it's not even funny. It's not how well you perform your job there, it's who you know. The owner flaunts his salvation like a banner and then treats his employees (not directly, I know, but indirectly) as if he's never heard of Jesus. I could go onnnnnn and onnnnnn but this blog wasn't supposed to be dramatic. I'd like to remind those of *you* that fired me... what goes around comes around and even if it was my fault, where you have not shown mercy; you will not receive mercy. Neener, neener. Okay, I'm done.

(this picture wasn't taken by me. Find it here)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

♫ Dating Rocks, Right?!

Im starting to wonder if heartbreak is a requirement to get through life. Everybody has to be stung once, and hard, to find something real. And I can tell you, that I believe it’s worth the pain. If you can learn to trust again, have faith that someone wont drop your heart and make a mess of it, what you find on the other side of all that pain, really is worth it.

I love listening to people talk about their dating history. You hear the best, and worst, of all things out there. You get to hear what works for some, and not others. Long distance, uber-romantic, un-romantic couch surfing relationships, online dating, and high school sweethearts. The only thing I haven’t experienced I think, nor heard the stories, is speed dating. If anybody has one of those to share, I’d be enthralled.

My history, gently and briefly put to avoid further heartache on anybody’s account (because honestly, I have no idea who all reads this blog):

My high school sweetheart was the man of my dreams. At least I thought so. We were together three years. Long distance, and then not. Summer love, and then not. And finally, the awesome ending by way of the phone. Dating after that was nothing short of thrilling. We wont go in to how many guys (or who, ah hem), ive kissed (Back off of that idea right now, this girl has one of the lowest "numbers" around.). What can I say, those that know me best, know im obsessed with lips. I dated some great guys. I dated some trash. I dated some scary, scary dudes. Unfortunately, I’ve been on both the married, and unmarried side. The cheated on, and cheating side. Neither of which, am I proud of. For being a young 25 year old, I’ve had enough experience for anybody I think. You’ve heard me say it recently, more than once, my new guy rocks. A whole different breed this one, and it scares the heck outta me.

Anyway. The point is, I’ve been there ladies. I know what it’s like to hurt, and be hurt. And I know, that once you actually give your all to somebody, it feels impossible to get it back. I know that youre terrified of the opposite sex, thinking they’re all evil, and out to get you. That any day they’re going to go from the man of your dreams, to asshole, as if somebody flipped a switch. You’ve got to trust though, and take the risk of being hurt, to find something, and somebody, worth it all. Have I? I don’t know yet. That’s the best part really. I’d like to think so. But if I cant put my fears behind me, I’ll never find what we’re all out there looking for right?

So, you’re terrified, girls, right? You’re scared to death that the guy that trampled all over you, is going to reappear in this next one? You know, the more im around the nice guys especially, the more I realize they fear the same thing. It seems, that life is equally unfair to them. For whatever reason, the good ones, end up with those evil women that life to give our kind a bad name. Im also starting to realize there are a lot of crappy people out there, and all we can do is pray they find each other. ;)

I’d like to think even, that the worse the card that you got dealt, the one that broke your heart, the better one you get dealt once you pull through it and move on. Life is a poker game, and you’ve got to find one worth betting on.

If you’re unhappy, know that you deserve to be happy. There is somebody out there that will complete you, and I wont believe any less. Relationships take work. They’re not always going to be easy or fun. But you get what you put in, and I believe that too. Nothing worth it in life comes easy, so the things you try hardest for, the things you pour your passion deepest to, will prove themselves worthy.

Yours Truly,

♫ Slow to trust, but I'm quick to love, I wish too hard, and I give too much, I ain't sayin' I'm perfect, But I promise I'm worth it. ♫

Monday, May 18, 2009

♫ Lost in Translation

♫Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable
The fact is ... it happens ♫

A recently popular Sugarland song. Seems they are more and more inspirational all the time.

Communication is key, to any relationship, especially the ones that mean the most to us. It seems, that the opinions that are closest to us, our parents, siblings, best friends, best loves, or bosses, have the biggest affect. Words can cut deep. They have the ability to gut punch you, more so, than an actual hit. On the other side of things, a "thank you" or "good job" or "I love you" can make you feel larger than life, all of this though, only if from the right person. I mean really, if some random mullet wearing dude at WalMart said "hey man, you suck at life", you’d probably laugh it off. If the hobo outside your favorite hole in the wall restaurant said "I love you", you’d probably shake it off with an "I love you too man. But, when someone close to you, cuts you deep, either uplifting or degrading, you cant help but feel it , to your core.

I think...and this is just my personal opinion, communication suffers on a few different levels.

#1. Emotions.

When we care deeply or admire somebody with everything we’ve got, we will give it our all to seek out their approval. We desire to feel accomplished, successful, loved back, with as much emotion as you put in to achieving it. When that doesn’t happen, not only do we come down so hard on ourselves that it could be considered torturous, but we get all kinds of emotional. We take "you did ok" as "you suck and could do better". It’s degrading. It’s penetrating. And it knocks you down so hard that it’s devastating.

#2. Gender

Again, this is my opinion only, and I understand there are some very unique people out there that don’t fall under gender-specific assumptions.

Men have a hard time expressing themselves, especially the good emotions.

When you get second place at your best sport, and your dad says "try harder next time!"
Translation: he really means "I’ll still be your biggest fan, be there next time, and do everything I can to help you succeed. ".

When you get a B, instead of an A, and he says "you're grounded"
Translation: Really, he means it...but he is still proud of you.

When you tease death, or you got hurt, and he says "What were you thinking?!"
Translation: he probably means "I was so worried... more than I words could say, and hate it when you take such big risks.".

When you tell your boyfriend that you love him and he says "thank you"
Translation: "Move On".

When you ask a boy to dance and he says "I cant dance"
Translation: "I really can, but this way my chances of you saying yes are better"

Women seem to have the opposite problem. We are really good at being mushy, and expecting mushy...and most of the time, have a harder time coming across hard enough to sound more like we mean it, and less like we’re nagging. I don’t think you need examples or translations, when we sound like we’re whining or nagging, try to picture us screaming. ;)

#3. Reaction

Once our buttons have been pushed, our reactions cause big Communication Fail.

There seems to be that one person that can push it harder and faster, than anybody else. Probably, because we look up to them most, or are more emotionally connected, or theyre who we try hardest to impress, and it hurts more when we fail. Not only did we not meet their standards, but we feel like our best wasn’t good enough. And our reaction, regardless of what emotion comes out, usually doesn’t tell the truth on what we actually wanted to do or say. When emotions get high, it’s best to kill whatever communication is happening, until you can resolve it with a level head.

See, the thing is, life never goes as planned. We have a horrible habit of planning something out in our heads, and when it goes askew, it tends to hurt. It hurts even more, when the people close to us react as well. You’ve got to let things go. "Let Go Laughing" as that song sings. Life’s entirely too short to let people scratch our nerves. I know, impossible, but worth a shot anyway.

Yours Truly,

PS. Some dialect from this weekend from two of my favorite people. I hope it’s not one of those "you had to be there" things.

Brandon (to my sister): "Youre a French Fry" (I was mostly zoned at this point, don’t ask me why he said it)
Danielle (my sister): "I am not a French Fry" (with the infamous side to side head shake)
Brandon: "Why Not?"
Danielle: "Because Im not food...And Im not French!"
Naomi (half zombified and barely listening): "Neither are French Fries"

My dear sister, I do thank you for helping me laugh even when every other emotion has run dry.

City Meets Country

Imagine this: driving along a dusty road, winding around and through green hills and colored farmland. You see a truck coming at you, a ribbon of dirt in the air flowing behind as it appraches. The truck passes and the driver waves at you with a warm smile. You don't know eachother, but the welcome is genuine. Pulling into "town" you notice the old, dilapitated buildings and farm machinery dotting the landscape. This town is antique in every sense of the word. In fact, modern appliances are more rare than the real antiques. The air is clear, with a hint of lilac; the sky a colbalt blue; the breeze slight against the skin.

Welcome to Fairburn, South Dakota. Some may call it a podunk town, some may even call it an almost-ghost town. But, it's my mama's town (meet her parents {above}- Opal and Barney). Located right next to the railroad, it was once a hub of railroad folk. Full of potential. Alas, a fire wiped out the town and forced the majority of its residents to seek other homes. Now, Fairburn has about 30 people- all have been here since about the time my mom was born.

Despite the lack of population, Fairburn just may be your quiet, country paradise. If you like that kind of thing. I do. In small doses.

I am very much considered a city girl here, in this home away from home. What this city girl does not like are the tics, snakes and/or bugs, in general. Like I've said before, am I all that "city" for not wanting to check my son every few hours for tics that might be feasting on his blood supply? If I wasn't a paranoid mother before...

So, because I am a glutton for boredom, I am staying here for a week, with my mom. I can tell you, however, that there is a certian atmosphere here that tempts me to stay a little longer. The friendly faces, the old convictions and maybe, just maybe... the simplicity of it all. I sure do have a lot of picture opportunities, too. Keep and eye out for a few to be posted on the blog!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

♫ Moving at Twice the Speed of Life

I am astonished, and a bit overwhelmed lately, at the speed of life.

I woke up this morning and realized my baby is going to be four in two weeks. FOUR. And oh how her little life has changed in the last year alone.

I remember finding out that I was pregnant with her, and in tears, telling my family about it. She wasn’t planned. Seems the best things in life aren’t. And to this day I couldn’t picture my life without her, or Leyna bug either. Neither one were ever going to happen. I even had a bet with my daddy, determined to never have kids.

I spent most of today looking around. I realized that I actually have a real (gulp) job. Like, a job that’s good enough, I could make a living doing for the rest of my life. I’ve found, that I’ve learned some of the most valuable life lessons, by making big mistakes. I see people in my life now, and wonder how I ever came this far without them. And though im a big girl, I’d do anything to stay daddy’s little girl forever.

My sister and I have come miles in our relationship. Man that girl used to grate my nerves. Today she’s my best friend.

I have a really nice car as of Monday. Not that I haven’t had super nice cars before, but it’s amazing how once you’ve lost something, you realize what you were taking for granted.

I looked down and realized my body has changed. Two kids later and a strong size 6, I am far from complaining, but realizing, that the things I eat have an immediate effect, instead of a temporary one.

I look at my friends and how they’ve grown, where they are, and wonder where high school went. It’s been seven years, almost to the day, since I graduated. Eeek.

I see some of my closest friends that are double my age or more, and am envious of their knowledge and life experience, but terrified that it’s all going to happen too fast.

I am realizing, that I am taking valuable things for granted, and not catching the small stuff, because our life has become so fast paced that im losing it. I’ve always been in a hurry to get on this fast track of life. A revelation. I am bailing from this train, and hiking the rest of the way.

I am going to stop taking my stress out on my angels, and enjoy every minute of their time, even if it’s that nerve scratching whining. It’s only a few years away that they’ll no longer fit on my lap to whine.

I am going to appreciate my co-workers, including the one that drives me up my cubicle wall and back down.

I am going to mend relationships to the best of my ability, and not let childish behavior bring out bitterness.

I have a goal of being less critical on everybody else, and do a double take in the mirror at my own flaws. Until I have achieved perfection, it’s not fair to judge.

I will not let others behavior encourage me to drop down to their level. I must remember, that things could always be worse, and I could have their outlook on life.

My biggest goal though:

I will learn to not sweat the small stuff, and appreciate the most minute things of all.

Bed jumping, puddle leaping, milk spilling, late nights, skipped naps, big words and bad attitudes are all things that are worthless to cry over.

Something about the way my girls look when they sleep, hold hands, laugh together, and take care of each other, makes my heart actually flutter. The way it feels when my daddy holds me and tells me it’s all gonna be ok, is something ive taken for granted. My closest friends are furthest away, only when I stop reaching out. My songs, will no longer go unwritten. My love, will no longer be hidden tight behind locked doors for fear of heartache. I will trust. I will support. I will not let my pride and fear get in the way of love. I will stand strong in my truth, and know that following my heart is never wrong, even when the rest of the world looking in, thinks so. I will give my all in every aspect of my life, and live with no regrets.

Yours Truly,

PS. Dont forget to stop and smell the flowers.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

♫ Mercury Retrograde

Does it seem like you, and everybody around you, is having a heckova time just staying afloat lately? Does it seem like relationships that mean the most, are frustrating you and cutting you deeper than normal? Seems that the harder I try, the harder I fall. And the more I look around, the more I realize Im not the only one in this battle against all odds. It seems like when we give it our best, our best isnt good enough. When we try to do something right, it happens all wrong. Just when you come up for air and great things start happening, life has a way of throwing something else your way. Words are cutting deeper than normal, and once they grab ahold of your mind, wont shake loose, begging for you to analyze them until they cut deeper.

Im one of those people that believes there is a reason for everything. I wont let things happen without explanation. So, when a friend of mine mentioned this recently, I can honestly say that I didn’t really take her seriously, but was, as usual, open minded. Im asking you to do the same for me. This theory isn’t going to be for everybody, and im not completely sold myself, but it’s strange how dead-on it’s been this time around.

It’s called Mercury Retrograde.

Mercury Retrograde is part of Astrology. Keep reading, give it a chance.

Similar to horoscopes, timing is everything. A few times a year, the planet Mercury appears to be moving backwards in the sky for about three weeks. No planet actually moves backwards, it’s an illusion, depending on the tilt of the Earth. This most recent illusion started on May 7th, and will continue until June 15th, but it will only be in "peak" for three weeks. Blah Blah Blah, let’s figure out what this means:

Mercury is thought as the planet of confusion, ruling over the lower parts of our mind-where we do most of our communication and interpreting of information. So, when Mercury Retrograde is in high gear, our brains get a little bit, uh, sensitive.

Decision making is the most challenging during this time period. It’s best to avoid signing contracts, and engaging in important decisions. You’ll get frustrated, because the communication between you, and the opposing party, will be near impossible. You’ll get more careless, losing money, personal information, locking your keys in your car, etc.

Plus, I like to call this time of the year Male PMS. Something about this time, makes men extra sensitive, confrontational, combative, and emotional. So, ladies, if your man is having hell, and giving it to you, bare with him for the next week or so. It’ll pass.

There are some positive aspects to this time of year though...for one, if you can make it through this storm in your relationship, you’ll end up stronger for it. It’s also a great time to reflect on your life and do some reorganizing. It’s really healthy for our lives to be rearranged, it’s just uncomfortable. The biggest thing to remember, is that everybody is feeling it, and the way things come out, or the way you hear them, probably isn’t true. Youre being fragile, and so are they.

Now, Im not going to go on and on about this...first of all, im no expert, nor am I completely sold on any part of astrology. If youre interested in it, I hightly recommend our friend Google, he will teach you everything you need to know.

On another note, life isn’t always easy. This is just one theory why. The important thing to remember, is that it all happens for a reason, and you have to give each day a new start. Forgiveness is key. Trust is huge. Bear down and let life run its course. You’ve got to find people that are going to love you, and laugh you through it, no matter what turn your life takes. I heard a great quote today (you probably read it on either Facebook or Twitter):

"I am determined to bloom where I am planted, no matter how rocky the ground."

Life lands you right where you need to be, and gives you everything you need to grow, and succeed. You’ve got to learn to bear down and weather the storms.

"May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

And remember, when it feels like you’ve hit bottom, that the world is walking out on you, and that youre completely alone, there is no way to go but up. Nothing worth it in life comes easy or without fight. And if you want to live, youre gonna have to take big risks and embrace heartache. Stand strong in your truth, at the end of the day, you've only got to put up with yourself. ;)

Yours Truly,

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Little Help, Please?!

I’ve done a bad, bad thing. From having a negative delivery experience and a hard recovery, I took the easy road and got into the routine of nursing Malachi to sleep. Now, he is unable to sleep at all without nursing. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyway, the time has come for my beamish boy to learn that I’m not his only source for food and sleep.

Malachi has never done anything that I would expect of a normal baby- he never would eat baby food, but went to table food, right away. He does not like bottles (the last time I tried, anyway) and refuses to take a pacifier. I’ve tried to get him to suck on his thumb but, no cigar. And so I’m expecting this time to be h-e-l-l on earth or a total miracle.

Either way, it’s going to kill me- to leave him in his bed, alone, crying while he figures out how to soothe himself. And so, I’m turning to you, my mama-licious friends, for your advice. What did you do when it came time to wean? How about getting your little one to sleep by himself? Any stress suggestions for Malachi and me? I neeeed advice! Hints, tips, tricks- anything to make this easier on me!

Also, this is just a thought floating around in my head (I haven’t acted on it… yet): would it be absolutely irresponsible of me to give Malachi some melatonin drops to help him fall asleep or stay asleep at night? He is such a light sleeper and I have a feeling that not having me right beside him will result in a sleepless night- for both of us.

I will be so appreciative of any advice offered, by anyone!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

It's no secret that mothers make the world go 'round. Here's to all of the lovely ladies who give up their time, money, priorities and self to care for the ones they love. You deserve the best!

Legacy of Love


I've copied you, Mother
My words echo your voice
You're my shining example
The one of my choice

Not thinking about it
I've copied your style
The way that you walk
The way that you smile

You fashioned my dreams
You painted my hopes
I've learned to make knots
At the end of my ropes

We all learn to love,
But not from a friend
I learned your strength
And when I should bend

Mom, you've mapped the way
To Heaven above
By teaching me kindness
By teaching me love

Thursday, May 7, 2009

** Don't Settle! **

New Guest Blog!

It’s hard to start a “blog entry” like this- so forlorn and full of warnings. But, I need to get my story out there to encourage girls/women who may be settling for less than they deserve.

I grew up in a Christian home with strong morals and solid ethics. I was taught from the earliest age of understanding all that the Bible expects from Jesus’ followers. Holiness. Excellence. Integrity. Humility.


I did a pretty good job at the above list of Christian qualities. I listened to my elders when they counseled against bad company and shied away from temptation whenever I could. My “teaching” went beyond that of church only on Sundays; I was completely engulfed and surrounded by Biblical truth since the day I was born.

But, after all, I am only human. I settled. After flirting with him for months on end, I began to date and fall in love with him. It was effortless. His eyes were intoxicating; his words wrapped around my heart and didn’t let go; his touch sent shivers up my spine and I was hooked. In every sense of the word. So, I did what any girl would do. I gave myself to him. Prematurely. It seemed like he deserved it and I was happy to finally be able to be on such an intimate level with someone I knew I loved. It was what I had been waiting for my whole life.

Sin has a way of doing that. It’s the piece of fruit on the vine that glimmers in the sunlight. Everything about it beckons for a touch, a taste, a bite. But, when it’s juice fills your mouth- you realize that it wasn’t really ripe to begin with; it was rotten, the whole time. A sweet turned sour- “an old friend who rats you out”. Everything sort of went downhill from there and I realized that it was just bad luck that followed me around; it was a consequence that had wrapped it’s tentacles around me and wouldn’t let go. You don’t break the rules without causing some sort of ripple effect. I did what I knew what I thought would solve everything- the idea from tearing myself apart from another human that I had adhered myself to was unthinkable- I married him.

But, the ripples from my decision didn’t just fade out and away. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of my “settling”.

Women always joke their romantic boyfriend changed to a boring husband the moment the ring was placed on the finger. It’s true. So, beyond true that it’s sometimes devastating. Seriously. I don’t mean to whine here, but my personality type is that I NEED to be romanced, cherished and reminded that I am loved. Otherwise, I begin to seriously doubt myself. I begin to think that, maybe, it’s all my fault. I’m not cooking dinner the way I should. I don’t keep the house clean enough. The dog doesn’t get walked enough. I whine about having a baby too often. It must be something. How was I so loveable to begin with and- now- I’m not?

This is what I mean by “settling”. Maybe, if I hadn’t given myself to him so early- maybe, if I made him work a little more to ask for my hand in marriage- maybe, if I played by the rules… I would have seen it coming? Or I would have, at least, gotten my fill of the fuzzies before I lost them to his vows.

I just don’t know.

To my husband, for life: I will never leave you. But, please read this and know that its ME. I’m lonely. I need your encouragement, your sweetly whispered words, your subtle touch, your tender kisses. I need to know that I am more beautiful to you than any other woman who may walk down the street. Encourage me! Romance me! I’m not asking for jewels or flowers flowing out the door. I’m just asking for you to express your love for me- like it’s a natural thing. Like it’s something you want to do. I need to know what I am loved or I will shrivel up and be less of a wife than you agreed to marry.

And here I ask, I beg, PLEASE don’t settle! Don’t give in to momentary satisfaction when you maybe trading it for a lifetime of sad, lonely ripples. God knew what He was saying when He told us to save ourselves for marriage and to not make any hasty choices. Listen to your elders when they tell you their stories and learn from their mistakes. You will only be better off.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

♫ More Joys of Being Female!

I hate how when the stress goes up, so does my inability to eat healthy. In fact, quite the opposite. I will devour everything I can reach, until I get uncomfortable, just so my mind can worry about that too. Ugh. I hate being a girl. Thus, today’s blog.

Being a woman is hard work. I think ive written a blog similar to this before. Just, with summer well on its way, more has come up for me to gripe about. Out loud. To everybody I know. Which, is another awesome quality of female.

First. We wear uncomfortable underwear. And it’s not because it looks better, trust me. Ok, so that little itty bitty piece of string doesn’t show under certain skirts and slacks. But a lot of us, wear them, every single effing day. Whatever male decided that it was an attractive thing, needs to have their big toe pounded with a sledge hammer, and then a piece of string wrapped around his ass, and tell me, if it’s still attractive. No, underwear doesn’t make our toes hurt, that’s just a little bit of punishment for the torture. ♥

Second. Men are dirty. Not all men, so apologies all around if you’ve never looked at a woman in a vulgar manner. And, it will never cease to amaze me, that it doesn’t change with age. I seem to notice it more in the summer, probably because we choose to wear less, and the windows are down more often. Appalled at the older gents that dare look down from their beautiful pickups in to my blouse. Why hello! Yes, just because every part on my body doesn’t have eyes, doesn’t mean we cant see you looking. Just so you know. Now, I must admit, we do the same thing, but we try to be a little less obvious, that’s all. Plus, from one vehicle to another, we’re a bit limited on...eye candy. I mean, we love your faces, as much as you love ours.

Third. Waxing. I love that there are professional waxers. I think that’s the most interesting job description ever. Not only, do you get to yank the hair out of another woman without her slapping you (you’ve got pray that your worst enemy comes in I bet, huh??), but you get to do it all day long. Im not sure how you get good at these things either. Wouldn’t it be interesting to go to school for it just to say you’re good at pouring hot wax on skin and yanking? Im not saying it’s an easy job, and thank GOD there are good ones out there, just an entertaining profession, that’s all. I don’t need to go in to it. My beautiful Reese already did, here: Bikini Waxing And yeah, like a lot of women, Im hooked. It’s a pain in the ass, literally, but come on! No shaving for 7- 8 weeks!?! This lover of pain is all about it.

Fourth. We over-analyze. Everything. When a guy says "you look good today" we wonder why he didn’t say "you look great today. When someone says "I will give you a call sometime" and they don’t, we beat it with a analytical stick until it’s deader than dead, and wonder what’s wrong with us. Loaded question?? Gents, life is loaded for us. When we ask you if we look fat in something, it isn’t any different than us expecting you to say we don’t, before we even try on the outfit. Lucky for you, when we’re happy, we’ll take you to heaven and back. ;)

Fifth. A benefit. Being a damsel in distress, pretty much rocks. Yeah, like...if we are stranded on the side of the road, regardless of looks, shape, or stature, we get assistance. We get free drinks in the bar (because poor us, we’re sitting all alone and cant find anybody to take care of us). We get better service (I’ve seen it first hand, Im sorry gents, that’s the definition of short end of the stick right there). Im not one to play the damsel in distress card often, im the independent "I do it myself!" type, even when im completely clueless, but I have seen this act done, and done well. And I’ve gotta say, life really can be easier for the ladies sometimes. On a side note, we like to feel like the damsel in distress, even when we're not. We like to feel protected, rescued, and taken care of, even when life doesnt beg for you to do it. Feel free to swoop in and save us from a bad day, any time you want.

Seems like life is pretty well balanced to me, honestly. Summer weather is just brining out a bit of spite for being female, that’s all. Thanks for listening to me gripe. Again.

Yours Truly,

Forgive AND Forget??

forgiveness jesus Pictures, Images and Photos

A grudge is a hard thing to forgive. Forgetting is a whole ‘nother story.

We’re surrounded by so many love-lacking people these days that it’s no wonder we’ve forgotten how to love, ourselves! Okay, maybe not love but… forget. We all know the rules about forgiveness: forgive as Jesus forgives (Colossians 3:13); forgive or you won’t be forgiven (John 20:23); forgive up to 490 times a day (Luke 17:4). But, who is able to forgive and forget?

It’s so easy to fall into that temptation of being the injured party and milking your wounds for all their worth. I’ve done it. I know people who’ve done it. I’ve been on the receiving end of that milking (translation: I caused the pain and needed the forgiveness). But, the higher road, is the one that is usually not taken. In fact, the world will tell you to avoid it at all costs. They will pet your peeve, milk your wound (notice that it doesn’t heal then?) and tell you that you must forgive but you are allowed to “never forget”.

Why let a dog bite your hand more than once? Why subject yourself to more pain?

But, I tell you, there is a better way.

Imagine this: Jesus is being beaten to death. In His agony and pain, when he could be blaming us for this undeserved punishment, He remains silent. After the soldiers, while mocking Him, hammer nails into His hands, He prays. For you. "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Now, imagine this: Jesus is hanging on the cross, between two thieves. The people below Him are torn, some are weeping for him while the others are insulting, accusing and cheering. With His last ounce of strength, He lifts his head to look at those who have just crucified Him. “Father,” He pants “I forgive them. But, I will never forget what they have done to me.” Of course, the intentions behind a perfect memory are to bring it back up again- as a Ace card, cleverly hidden under the folds of His sleeve. Why else would He need to remember? Then, He dies.

It just doesn’t work, does it? Our Savior, perfect and full of grace, leaving just one little bit of bitterness in His heart so that He can remember exactly how vile, repulsive and diabolical we are. I don’t think so.

So, let’s back up to that first “rule”. Forgive as Jesus forgives. When He forgives, He removes our sins from us as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). In my imagination, they just keep going and going and going… you get the idea. Like the defeated villain at the end of a movie: never to be heard from again. There is no grudge list in Jesus’ back pocket, no Ace tucked away for just the right moment. There is no condemnation in Christ, Jesus.

If we are to forgive as He forgives, then I think we are to forget, as well. I know this is easier said than done; I know that there is a pain which goes so deep, it takes time for forget and I know that there are some that are undeserving of a clean slate. Give it a chance, though and see the healing power that total, 100% forgiveness can effect.

My advice on forgetting: I’ve had a little practice.

Pray: Again. Easier said than done. When you feel yourself getting to that point of boiling over or are feeling the bitterness arise from an offense, just mutter a little prayer. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out two-hour lamentation (although, sometimes those are needed and requested of the Holy Spirit). Just a little, “Lord, please bless ____ today and help them discover the light of your love.” Or, “Lord, give me the strength to forgive and forget as You have done for me.” It works. I promise.

Think: of something else. It’s too easy to let the mind wander and imagine all sorts of tragedies that can befall an enemy. But, if you take control of your mind and the pity party it’s trying to throw, you won’t be so easily taken down.

Remember: Forgiving someone and forgetting their shortcomings will be a greater aid to them than reminding them of what they did wrong. Forgiveness and Forgetfulness bridges the gap between a man who refuses to change and the change needed to mend wounds. It will also help restore your own emotional and mental health.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -Mahatma Gandhi

The moment that one sincerely and freely forgives another, something wonderful and good happens to both the forgiver and the forgiven. The capacity for both to love one another is increased and strengthened. -Arly Prior

Only the brave know how to forgive; it is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human nature can arrive at. -Laurence Sterne

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

♫ Learning to Dance in the Rain...or Kiss.

When It Rains It Pours

Im officially backasswards lately. Like, the more you try to run uphill, the more you slide down. The more I try to encourage, the more I discourage. The harder I try to stay positive, the more things seem to crash. In an effort to be grateful, I wasn’t grateful enough. The more I try to blog about happy, the more I sound like a whiner. Ironically, like right now. Too bad you cant hear me. Im not whining. Searching for a gadget to implement my voice on to my blog to prove it.

Again, with the help of a few of my favorite people, my blog inspiration.

#1. Don’t think too much on something. Everything will work itself out, whether we think hard on it, or don’t.
#2. When it rains it pours. But you’ve got to learn to dance in the rain, rather than wait for the storm to pass. Not only will you miss out on life, but you’ll miss out on the dance, and the chance to be refreshed.

Spring time is finally here!

Spring showers are by far the best part. Of course, there are things like:

Baby animals!
Call me a sissy lala, but there is something about those big ol’ sappy eyes of a baby cow or the clumsy run of a baby horse that leaves me hypnotized, and grateful for making it through an entire winter:

Baby Babies!

Maybe it’s just a theory, maybe it’s true. It seems more people have babies in the spring and summer, and I am just convinced that it’s because old man winter forces you to cuddle all winter long. Congrats to all my lucky ladies. I cant wait to hold your preciousness.


Im not a planter. Or a grower. Nor do I have a clue what season you plant what to make it happen. But I LOVE the smell of flowers, and the look...they’re one of my favorite thing to photograph. And theyre always most amazing in May. At least in my inexperienced, unprofessional, opinion.

The Rain

I know I’ve already mentioned the rain. There are two types:

#1. Real Rain. The kind that soaks clear to your bone, can come in both vertical and horizontal flavors, and the kind that no matter how it falls, smells amazing. There is something about being kissed in the rain that will leave you breathless, and never let you forget it. There is something about jumping in the puddles that will not allow you forget that there is still a kid in you somewhere. And there is just something about the air around you when the storm passes, that will have you in awe. Rain, is only allowed to be hidden from under an umbrella with somebody you love. unless it’s the skin pounding horizontal kind, in which case, you’re required to enjoy from behind something fairly solid, like a window.

#2. Metaphorical Rain. This kind isn’t nearly as fun, but isn’t any less inspirational. Whether you weather (which sounds grammatically horrible) a real storm, like above, or the kind that life come out of it a better person. "Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain." Let the people you love hold an umbrella over you, and take the steps you need to weather the storm and figure it out.

Yours Truly,

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