♫ Random Monday 8-24-10

Yes, I realize it's not Monday. It's my Monday, that's all that matters, right?

*For years I've argued men on the fact that they all swear by: "All women are crazy." I'm starting to finally realize that they're very right. At least most of us can admit it. Men are just as crazy, they just internalize it better.

* ...is tired of drama trains. And is therefore removing myself from them. Enjoy the ride, y'all. I'll meet you at the station when you stop and chill for a while.

*I have this friend, well two, that seem to be the only ones that are constants. They're always positive. They always tell me the truth. They have few secrets. They have balance and zen. They're spiritual. And they're amazing at keeping me in check. They're my rocks. You know who you are.

*I look at Brandon, and his leadership qualities, his responsible character, his integrity, and his ability to square up with life and take it on...and I feel beyond lucky that he's mine. How did I get so lucky? He's absolutely fearless.

*If you want to be a good mom to your child, realize how you act around them. Hear the things you say to people when you think they're not listening.See your world through their eyes, and then ask yourself if you're who they want to be someday. Anybody can be a mom. It takes a selfless person to be a good one. They're watching every move you make. They're feeling everything you feel. They hear you, even when you don't think they can.

*Dear single mama's...we all made a bad choice, didn't we? At least, from our side of things. Regardless, if you have a child, that child has a dad. And even if you find him worthless, scary, unfit, or insane...he has a right to be with that child until he actually proves otherwise. Just because he's mean to you, does not mean that he's mean to them. Please make that swap time easier on the kids...it's only about them now. Take yourself out of it.

*Vindictive, is the word of the day. If it fits you, KNOCK IT OFF.

*I have so many plans for September. And I haven't told a soul. I can't wait for it all to happen. (No, I'm not going to get pregnant, sell drugs, start drugs, start drinking heavily, get engaged, or move further away, don't assume because things are a secret, that I'm making bad choices.) Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

*It was a heavy Random Monday, forgive me?

♫ Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out♫



Yours Truly,
Nomz

♫ A firecracker coming undone...

There are days I actually, absolutely, come undone. I lose control of my emotions, my patience, and my mind all together. Today was one of those days.

The fuse was lit this morning, when I realized that I had to get Kyanne ready for school, make sure she was fed first (Hi, this is is me, admitting that I rely on the babysitter to feed by kids every morning.). We rushed through the perfect outfit - a capri/cute tank combo, found a dress for Leyna bug to feel special in, rushed out the door after the perfect hairdo, and ran to the grocery store, where they picked out blueberry muffins and organic juice (made of good choices, my kids).

My mom was texting/calling all morning, making sure I felt confident with where the classroom was, how the girls were feeling, and where the school was actually located. I was terrified. Kyanne was excited. And Leyna was completely envious of her sister.

Pulling in to the school yard, Kyanne started to shriek. I haven't seen a kid that excited in forever. Well, you know, next to the week before when they got to ride horses with grandma. "Forever" is a couple of days in our lives.

I let my eyes wander from scared mama, to scared mama...coming to the realization that I am a single mom. Everybody there had somebody with them. A spouse, a best friend, a sister, a mom. A support system of some kind...and right when I was ready to break down at the thought of feeling most alone in the world, I realized that I had a little hand in each of mine. I had a brave pre-K kiddo, and her little sister, fully prepared to walk me to the school and muster up the strength that I didn't have.

My mom was waiting for us, greeting every scared parent at the front doors, she was there. She's assisting at the summer program in the Special Education room, you see, and I'm so glad.

The school smelled exactly like schools always smell...of cafeteria food and basketball courts, and was full of panicky mama's, and excited, squeaky tennishoes on the patterned floor. Bright pictures all of the walls, Leyna bounding around leading the way through the halls she had never been in, and Kyanne holding my hand...because I was squeezing it so tightly she had no choice. At one point, she tried to convince grandma to get me to let go, and I couldn't. She just kept saying "Let go mama, I'm fine!"...couldn't do it.

The teacher was fantastic. She was so excited to meet my baby, and treated her as if she was already her favorite little helper in class. I'm sure every parent got a similar greeting, but she immediately calmed every nerve in me that was terrified of her getting lost or forgotten in mad shuffle of the hallways.

When we hit the playground, Kyanne immediately found a shy friend, held her hand, and let her walk with her to the playground. Mid-walk, I begged her to come back and hug me. With tears in my eyes, I realized that my baby was growing up. And that no matter how hard I drove away that day, that my heart was staying on that playground. She hugged her sister, bid us goodbye, and walked hard away with confidence of a girl four years older than I've been treating her. My baby, is not a baby.

Leyna and I observed for a bit, giving us the chance to see grandma in action. My mom swiftly and gracefully swept up every broken hearted little kiddo that couldn't walk away from their mama's, and made them feel completely safe, secure, and grown up in an instant.

Leyna and I got in the car and started to pull out when we heard the bell ring. Knowing I couldn't leave without seeing her enter the school safely, we pulled up aside the school. Leyna was SO excited to see her sister lead the way up to the teacher. She said "mama, I'm going to miss Kyanne today...but I'm glad you let me wear a purple dress and bring a new puzzle."

Aside from the random tears down my face through the day, I've survived. And, thanks to a lunch time phone call, so did she. On that phone call, I asked her if she had fun at school, and she responded with "Mom, I found some flowers at school, I am giving them to Leyna!". Where did I get girls with such big hearts?

She can't wait to go back tomorrow. If this evening lasts "forever"...I won't mind so much.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

♫ The Strong One; Single Mom Song II

Dear Single Moms,

I need to apologize. I promised a while ago a heartfelt blog about being a single mom. I promised to encourage you. And I failed.

I am not deleting the blog I wrote this week, because I meant every word of it. It came from my heart, and that's never wrong. However, it sounded bitter and angry, which admittedly, I am sometimes...but that's not all there is to being a single mom is it? There's SO much more to this jigsaw of motherhood.

Every single mom has her own story.

Single is a tricky word. I really don't think it has anything to do with your current relationship status. It has everything to do with how much support you have in raising your child(ren).

A single mom is sometimes only single during the week, while the husband is away for work or travel.

A single mom can be somebody that has a fully engaged spouse, and a completely disengaged daddy.

A single mom might be divorced.

A single mom might be a rape victim.

A single mom can be a choice. Sometimes, motherhood is everything, and companionship with a spouse is secondary, or maybe never a desire.

Really, you can remove "single" completely, because at some point in every moms life, we feel completely alone in the challenge of raising a child.

**Single Daddy's...this blog can apply to you as well. I'm writing this from experience, and therefore it is only fair to address fellow females. I'm sure we have much in common, and we appreciate those of you out there that are completely involved in your children's lives.

Becoming a Parent

When you become a mom, everything changes. You go from putting yourself first, to making every decision for somebody else. Whether you made the choice to be a mom in the first place has no bearing. All of a sudden, there is nothing in the world more beautiful, or more important. You love nothing more.

Becoming a Single Parent

Regardless of your story...you'll go through every emotion.

You'll explode. You'll cry. You'll be proud of your choices. You'll love. You'll forgive. You learn to stand on your own. You'll learn to laugh when you feel like crying. Your heart grows to accommodate life's demands. Every single one of these emotions is reasonable, is normal, and what makes you the amazing mom that you are.

Those little things in your life that make you a mom will be there when nobody else is. No matter how frustrated you get, remember that you'll miss this. YOU'LL MISS THIS. You'll miss them driving you up a wall and back down. And if you hide too much in yourself (your anger, your bitterness, your current boyfriend or lack of one), you're already missing things. God never fails, never walks out, and never gives you more than you can handle.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

Words, pictures, and a song. Read them all, add your own. And know that you're never ever alone.

"Faith doesn't make things easy, it makes things possible."

"Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible."

"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either."

"Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression."

"It is the Law that any difficulties that can come to you at any time, no matter what they are, must be exactly what you need most at the moment, to enable you to take the next step forward by overcoming them. The only real misfortune, the only real tragedy, comes when we suffer without learning the lesson."

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved"

"Some believe in destiny, Some believe in fate, I believe that happiness is something you create."





Read the lyrics to this next song, the words are epic. Read the words, especially if you dislike country, because let's face it, you can't get more country than Clint Black.
Thank you Candy!

The Strong One by Clint Black



When God made woman I wonder sometimes
If it was a flower he had in mind
when he made her.
A touch as gentle as a butterfly
A kiss so sweet it could stop time
forever
God gave man a chance to be
the kind of strength a woman needs
He was suppose to be
the one to carry that load.

CHORUS:
But there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulder when her day starts
Working a job that don't pay much
but she thanks God it's enough
There she is
on her own two feet
He walked out
but she still got dreams.
Tries to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she's got a heart that gives and gives
Now you tell me who the strong one is.

Tonight's the first night in a while
She put on her makeup wearing a smile
She'd going out
And everything was all planned out
but the fever that the baby's got now
It's all shot down
She gives up what she wants to do
for what she has to.
That's what a momma does
She'll be there like she always is
when the son comes up.

CHORUS
And there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulder when her day starts
Working a job that don't pay much
but she thanks God it's enough
There she is
on her own two feet
He walked out
but she still got dreams
Tries to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she's got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is.

And there she is on her own two feet
He walked out but she's still got dreams
Tries to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody'd blame her if she quit trying
But she got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is.

You tell me who the strong one is...

♫ Single Mom Song ... that's Bogus.

The song is bogus...if you made a decision for your kiddo(s). Not you. Not him. Not anybody else.

An outright confession:

When I first heard this song (months and months ago), it just six months after I had left. It was March of 2009. My gut churned, and flipped, and got sad all over again. It made me feel really guilty. It made me explode from the inside out over "breaking up a family", again. I knew I didn't belong back there...I always knew that. But it made me sick to think that I took my girls away from something good.

And then, after a few emails between friends, prayers; on my knees, tears, and going over my notes from counseling, I realized a few things.

Things:

*Nobody should or would leave a guy like Jason Michael Carroll. See, he's handsome, he's rich, he's romantic, and obviously, he wants to be a good daddy (if all lyrics are true).

This song is crap.

Anybody that has a man that's an amazing daddy...has a good thing that they wouldn't leave. They wouldn't deprive a GOOD DAD of his rights, his time.

I made the right choice.

All the things I had to do when I heard this song...I had to do before I chose to leave. I leaned hard on friends. I prayed; on my knees, a LOT. I cried for my girls. I spent hours and days in counseling.

Single mamma's...never ever doubt your reasons. Always put your children first. And never settle for less than what they deserve. If you do that, all the pieces...including the right guy...will come along.



Yours Truly,
Nomz