Wednesday, September 9, 2009

♫ I'll Take What I Can Get

Go ahead and say it...."awwwww". ;) This is of me, my angels, and my marvelous sister. Thought it an appropriate picture for today's blog.

Due to being a girl, and being pregnant (Ha! Fooled YOU), I am about once a month, overwhelmed with insecurity. Rarely, it’s about me. Mostly, it’s about what I have, and the chances of either losing it, or having other people realize I don’t deserve it. We’re not talking about material possessions. We’re talking about my abundance of family, both blood and otherwise. My little angel girls. My amazing guy. His amazing family. My friends. My perfect little cozy, private doll house of a home with a rocking landlord. The job I’ve been dying to create and have for a few years. Etc. Most of the time, I am grateful. I make it a point to tell almost all of you that, as often as possible. But once a month or so, I feel undeserving, and you know it. I get all emotional and crap. So…for example…the last time I attacked my amazing guy with these insecurities:

We were sitting in his living room. He was playing Madden or something on his Xbox, or maybe flipping through channels (professional channel surfer)…I don’t really remember. Anyway, he looked over at me after a weekend of being like ”are you SURE you still like me, because I don’t like me and you shouldn’t like me and im being a girl I cant help it!" crap, and saw me sitting there looking at him all teary eyed. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I don’t feel pretty, I don’t deserve him, I don’t deserve my girls, I have ugly toes, etc. And of course, being the guy he is, was far from short of perfect words to put me back together.

I remember my head spinning though, after that. Feeling still insecure…and realizing after those stupid hormones went back on vacation where they belong, that it’s just hormones. That if I didn’t deserve all of those things, they wouldn’t be in my life right now.

I also realized something else. Looking around that weekend, and this might have had something to do with my instable emotions, every relationship close to me, was falling apart. Thus, obviously, giving me doubts on my own. I started wondering what the point is. If nobody lasts, if everybody ends up unhappy, then what is the point?

What I decided?

I’ll take what I can get.

I have what I have right now, because it’s exactly what I deserve. I have everything that makes me happy, because it does. And if this relationship ends tomorrow, it was worth it. If what I have right now, disappears while I dream tonight, it was worth it…because of everything I did get. It’s not about the “what-if’s”, or “what’s ahead”, or “when might it end”…it’s about right now. And taking in every bit, of right now. My girls are only going to be this giggly age for so long. My sister will only be an arms length away until she finds the next opportunity to leap on. My house is only going to be mine, for a bit longer. This job, probably temporary. I have to be happy with what I've got, right now...and trust God that my future will hold this much bliss too. Worrying about the future only brings it closer.

I posted a quote on Facebook today:

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."

I got several awesome responses, but my favorite one:

“…We would solve a lot of relationship problems if we focused on BEING the right person.”

Stop looking around at everybody else, or at the time that is ahead or behind you, or the possibilities, and just work on you, right now.

Yours Truly,


Ashley! said...

& if anyone knows more about capturing the moments, living each day fully, being thankful for what you have and letting all the people lucky enough to know you how much they mean to you... it's you.

Never let this attitude out of your sight! <3

Anonymous said...

Your blog is so awesome! You have put into words the way I have felt for so long. I will focus more on the now then the past or the future. Thank you for your wonderful words!

cindey said...

To this lady grabbing life and living it to its fullest. I toast to you with our favorite fish bowl wine glasses filled with our favorite wine. You truley are a remarkable person, and have brought a huge ray of light into our family circus. I can not imagae our lives with out you, and your angles. I try and tell you and the ones around me how much they mean to me once a day or at least once a week. You have tought me so much and for this I am thankful. I love you deeply.

Anonymous said...

Amazing Nomz...just amazing. Once again you have brought tears to my eyes with your wonderful, truthful, loving, sincere and caring 'words of wisdom'. Thank much!

Becky said...

I was having one of those days yesterday, too, where I just wanted to start crying for no reason/every reason. My poor husband is so good at putting up with it but doesn't really know what to say. Thank you for posting your uplifting thoughts - they came just in time to help me realize all that I have and how thankful I am!

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