Friday, December 18, 2009

♥Sazaran's Random Monday Blog

~ For some reason, which I'm not particularly aware of, I've been more emotional than I normally am. Okay, there's the obvious- it must be this time of change that's getting to me. When you're split open, insides are bound to spill out at some point. I've mentioned before that I loathe change; I do not like my sand box to be messed up, in any way. It makes me feel out of control and vulnerable.

~ I have baby on the brain. Majorly. What an effing-opportune-time, I'd say. Seeing curled fists and hearing cooing voices makes my head spin and my arms yearn for another brand new soul to cherish. And when I think that I cannot have it, at this time, I want to scream and take out all my anger on the one who took that future from me.

~ There are certain fears that race through my mind, every once in a while. When they hit, I can't catch my breath. I have to close my eyes tight and pray. People help, too. If I get in the middle of a big crowd of people or go socialize with family- to get my mind off of those fears- I feel slightly better. I can't even blog about those fears, like I want to, because I'm afraid someone will take them and use them against me. Rock <----- me -----> Hard Place.

~ Just to set the record straight regarding some of the blogs I've written: most of the time, they are fleeting thoughts which seem to be a good conversation- or debate- starters. I am sarcastic, if you haven't noticed; so, my blogs might come off as black and white, passionate or totally unlike me- sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't. So, don't take the things you read as truth. There is a lot to me (and Nomz) that is not shared on here. Either for lack of space or ability to define precise feelings or convictions- they are not the whole story.

~ Naomi once told me that Kelly Clarkson could be my song-soul-make. I totally agree. The more I hear her sing (I know she doesn't write all her songs) the more I realize that they have For example: Never Again (among how many other songs have I posted, from her??) explains the divorce and how I feel. It kinda freaks me out. It's kinda cool. I'm sure if I ever told her this she would think I am a stalker. I would.

~ I hate talking on the phone. So, this is a big "sorry" to most people that I ignore. Really, I do love you, it's just that I cannot get anything done when I have a devise cooking my ear. Text? Oh, yeah. I'll text Facebook? You know it! Email? Perfect. But a phone call? Sorry, does not want.

~ You know that song, Gives You Hell? It's following me. I hear it every day and every time I'm in the car (on the radio- duh. I know it would be logical if it were a CD); I hear it every time I play Pandora; it loves me. And I love it. ♫You can take back your memories, they're no good to me...♫

~ There is this play area in the mall, here. It's meant for little children (42" and under) and, despite the rules, parents allow their big kids to run around like chickens with their heads cut off; knocking over the smaller ones and not caring one iota. It drives me crazy. What do I do? Do I confront the complacent parents and point out the rules? Or do I act in a passive-aggressive manner and call mall security over to deal with the unruly brats? My mama-bear instincts come roaring out, my claws a perfect match, every time Malachi comes close to being trampled.

~ Everything I want to do, I don't; those things I don't want to do, I do! It's a never-ending cycle and I want it to stop!

~I reallllly want to send a deep, dark secret to PostSecret. I just don't know which one to choose.
~ Someday, I will live in Washington. It doesn't even need to be Forks *wink*, just someplace near the water.

~I really do want those diamonds... just in case you're reading this blog...

~ My dad fought Chuck Norris.And.Won. True story.

~I think that this Christmas might just be the best I'll have in a long time- despite the fact that I have less money and more responsibility than I've ever had. There is a certain freedom to knowing that your future holds bright promise and opportunity and Christmas makes it hang in the air like frosty, snowflake-shaped dreams.

~ Here, a song I shall dedicate to my Malachi:


Nomz said...

Hi, if you're going to live in Washington ever? You're taking me with you.

Your dad kicks ass. True story.

You WILL have another baby, another bouncing less than ten pounds this time around, baby. I promise. Probably a girl that you can make in to a fashion diva model rockstar. Just not yet. I mean, can you imagine having two Mal's running around?! Psh. Wait till you have the support you deserve. ;)

Anonymous said...

saying "effing" is the same as saying the real word. Why not just say the real word??? Makes no sense.

Sazaran said...

1. "effing' is funner than the real word.

2. it's not the same. just as gosh, darn, crap or all those other pseudo swear words aren't the same but are just as accepted.

3. this blog isn't about swear words- or not- it's about some of the deepest thoughts I've had that I needed to share. thanks for your "sensitivity".

Anonymous said...

Love the song...

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