Monday, January 11, 2010

♥Whine whine whine

It's a hard night. One that ends in parched cries from my broken heart. Bear with me while I vent and work out my feelings via our blog. I trust that you'll be kind when posting your comments.

I must be more of a control freak that I thought I was. It started out as a little pity party because I am not enjoying this single life. At all. Then, the tears gained momentum and before I knew it, I couldn't stop... can't stop, really, because I'm wiping the tears away as I write this. My hearts aches and I want to throw myself to the ground like Malachi and just have a little temper tantrum.

This is not what I had planned for my life.

I'm not a pioneering woman. I wouldn't have burned my bra or given up my dream of being a mother for some independence. Which is exactly why I'm struggling. I already did the school thing (yes, I do count Bible school as my schooling of choice), I had my baby and want another, I loved being a home-maker. And it's all been stripped from me.

Now, I'm being forced to do a long list of things that I don' Why? Because I wasn't worthy of love. That's the hardest part. I love love. I love being a wife. But, I was rejected in the worst way and it left me reeling. Or maybe it was just the idea of being in love. Certainly I can't love not being loved (enough) right? I don't know what to think, anymore. My head hurts. And I don't have anyone to kiss me gently and let me know that they will help me get through this little bump in the road of life (bring on another wave of pity and wimperings).

Sure, there are the gazillion reasons to stay single. They don't work for me. I know myself, I learned what works for me and what doesn't. I want someone to share my findings with.
Sure, yes, it all comes down to trust. But, can I? Eventually. Maybe. I might turn blue from holding my breath, though. Did I mention that I hate change?


Amo said...

I think that I have no idea what you are feeling so, here is what I can say from the outside looking in. You have found yourself in a title...wife! You have to find yourself, not a title. Being a wife is wonderful, however you have to be just (and by just I dont't mean just) Sarah too. You need to find comfort in your strong points and work on growing yourself into a better woman and mother so that when love does come along, you are the best version of you. You can not base you worth to a man or to the world on on lame-ass man. He did not give you what you deserved and you should know that you not being with him will be better for you in the end. You son needs to watch a real man as he grows up and that was not what he was seeing. I know you hurt right now, but focus on yourself. Find out what you really want and if it is a stay-at-home-famliy-thing then find a man who is worth YOUR time and love and affection. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THEN BEING A DOORMAT!

Anonymous said...

1) Hang in there.
2) You are worthy of love, but don't try to define who should deliver it before you receive it (kinda like waiting for a package from FedEX, when it's actually coming via US Postal), or you may not recognize it when it's there.
3) In the physical world, when you're in the dark and you’re trying to see something, the harder you try to recognize it by staring directly at it, the least likely you are to actually see it -- you can actually recognize it easier in the periphery of your vision. I'm guessing that God made some spiritual and emotional principles the same as the physical ones. Focus foremost on the love you raise your child in, and you'll recognize the love you seek in a way you didn't expect.
4) Practice and exhibit the kindness you seek in every moment and every opportunity and in every word, because someone else may be searching for that same kindness -- and not always when you're aware of it.

Nomz said...

Oh SarahFace.

Here's my view, from the outside looking in.

Two months ago, when you stopped by STP for breakfast, and Malachi repeated his normal busy, busy behavior, playing on the stairs and eating your pizza and screaming when you tried to get him to hold were very close to losing it completely. You were at your wits end. You were so frustrated with every single thing that wasn't exactly right. Don't get me wrong, you showed amazing strength for what you were going through, but lady, you DEFINED "end of your rope". I recognized it, because I've been there. I still get there.

Then, last week, you came in to STP again. With Malachi. You ordered food, and proudly paid for it with your own paycheck. You looked adorable in your scrubs. And you played with Mal on the stairs. You laughed at his inability to sit still, and you were stern with him when he argued, rather than getting frustrated.

From the outside looking in? You've grown BIG TIME in the last two months alone, because you've been forced to stand alone and turn to God. That's just one example, that I planned on telling you about this week anyway, you just gave me the most perfect opportunity.

What you find as misery, is building an army of inner strength to battle what comes next, and it's SHOWING. Hang in their girly, when a guy worth your time and love comes along, you'll know it, and it'll be worth the wait. In the mean time, keep holding your head high, because you look amazing.


Anonymous said...

The thing you have to remember is this: any person's opinion of another is simply that--an opinion. If your husband was idiot enough to abandon the marriage, abandon you, and abandon his child, is his opinion really anything worth considering as valid or worthy. His rejection of you seems to be something of an issue he has and for that it might be worth looking at his parents to see their values. Some times these things are passed on to the children because it’s the principles they were raised under.

You will marry again. Just consider this one an experience in life that will prepare you for the chosen marriage. Sure, failure has a sting to it. But it can also be the critical building mass for success. Yeah, yeah. It doesn’t help with the pain right now, but it sure help in avoiding the same mistake such as you made before.

You will get married again. You will have the dream marriage you’ve always wanted. You will have more children, and you will be utopically happy. Just hang in there. Let the hourglass finish this episode in this phase of your life. Then, turn it over and the new beginnings will all start again. Few people get this chance. Just think of it: how many marriages do you know today that are frozen in discontentment, basically divorced but still under the same roof, despairing of life because they are in a lock-down situation, and destined for unhappiness because nothing will change. You, on the other hand, get another chance for fresh air and restarts. Now then, go forward, plan your future, and make things happen. God gave you a “restart-gift” so you should look up to the blue sky of His mercy, say thank you, smile, and plan your incredible future. He is with you to bless you. Turn the key, open the door, and say, “Wow!” The future awaits.

Anonymous said...

Chase after God. Go on a mission trip, read your bible daily, go to bible studies and christian concerts, and everything God-centered that you can find. One day, you will notice there is somebody right there beside you chasing after HIM too. THAT will be your guy! It may take years, it may not, but won't it be the most amazing thing when you are with the right guy that you met in the right place?

Remember too, this loneliness is a part of the grieving process you must go through. You have suffered an incredible loss. Allow your heart to heal. Try not to even date as that will slow down this process and you'll be hurting longer, not healing.

Praying for you!

kelly said...

Can I make a suggestion? Get some help to make it though this process. I wish I would have had help when I needed it! There is an amazing lady that you should call (it is free). She will empower you and help in ways you cannot even fathom!

Kathy Cordell. 778 6156

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