Wednesday, January 13, 2010

** What to do??

Please read our latest Ghost Blog, and let them know what you think on this topic! ~Nomz and Sazaran

My dear friend, lets call her Maria, is suffering from very deep depression. For a little over two years now she has been dating a guy, we’ll call him, Rich. In the beginning it was great, they got along did tons of things together. It was like a storybook tale, until we found out what was really going on behind closed doors.

He punched her so hard one night he broke his hand on her face! He would beat her on a daily basis. He, beat her, he raped her, he beat her dog, ruined her credit and has just, been destroying her life.

A few months ago, she went to court because their little battle fights have gotten them both thrown in jail at one point. She had to sit there and tell everyone in the courtroom how he would rape her and beat her. Of course, the State put a protection order against “Rich” so we felt like she was safe.

A couple of weeks ago she went back to him. I fear for her life, I’m scared the next call I get is going to be, “your friend is in the ER and is slowly slipping away.” I’m at a lost for words. I tried to give her healthy advice in the beginning. Now, I just want her safe. Should I completely ruin our friendship and call the cops and tell them there is a protection order on my friend against this guy? Or, do I sit and watch, and pray he doesn’t beat her so bad he kills her? Anyone have suggestions.

Thanks so much



Sarah said...

This story hits way too close to home. Sadly, I have been in the same situation that your friend is in right now. I was lucky enough to have a friend who cared enough about me to go against my wishes (my brain was clouded by love and stupidity) and keep telling me, over and over, that I needed to leave.

This friend and I fought at the time, but today he is still one of my best friends of all time for several reasons, not least of which is that during a time when I didn't know what was best for me, he stepped in and did what had to be done on my behalf.

I think you need to stand up for your friends when they can't stand up for themselves. That said, keep her informed of what you are doing and continue to be there for her when she needs you, even if she swears she doesn't. It's hard but it's worth it, and you may save her -- or her dog's -- life.

Nomz said...

Can I just ditto Sarah's comment on this?

I really think you should stand for her, do what you can, and she'll understand someday when she's still got her life, and a guy that values her. A lot of times us girls don't understand how bad we've got it, until we find somebody good.

Praying for you, it's a tough spot to be in.


Breezy said...

On average, it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave before she actually is gone for good. As hard as it is, she needs you. She needs you to tell her why being with "Rich" is so bad and how much you love her. She's going to need those arms of yours more than anything. Keep pushing. Keep trying. Keep praying.
I'll keep both of you in my thoughts! <3

Anonymous said...

You have to be straight foward with your friend

1) Tell her how much of an idiot she is, because she is

2) tell her you cannot be her friend if she insists on being a punching bag

3) you do call the cops if she indeed does not leave him

4) you offer your friend your spare bedroom to A) help protect her and B) giver her the support she needs, if she leaves that loser

Sarah said...


Calling anyone an idiot is unlikely to lead to anything productive. And I seriously doubt she is "insisting" on being a punching bag. It's her partner that's doing the insisting.

Anonymous said...

wow... this hits REALLY close to home.

Here's the thing... When you get involved in a relationship like this... [at first] they make you feel like you are a queen. They make you feel like you are the best thing that has happened to them. And you in turn fall so in love with this person that you can't imagine your life without them.

Then it begins to get worse... you slowly become isolated. You are criticized for speaking to your friends. If you and he fight and you vent to someone about it... you are put down even more about it. Your friends "don't want to see you happy or don't understand." You eventually lose all of your friends because you "love" this guy so much that you'll do anything for him. I know because I made that choice. Not only did I lose my friends but I lost my family. The jealousy is insane. You're not even allowed guy friends much less go out with your girlfriends. If you're apart you're accused of cheating. If you don't answer your phone... you're cheating.

He drug me, by my ankle, in front of my 1 yr old little girl, and put me outside. Her echoes of screaming because she saw daddy hurting mommy still ring in my head. Once after he beat the crap out of me and even punched me in the face while I was holding my little girl... I decided that I'd had enough. I left and flew back home to Baltimore.

Within a MONTH he had me convince that it would never happen again, that he loved me so much, he was so ashamed and was getting counseling. I came back. One month later he nearly killed me. He fractured 2 of my ribs from kicking me in the side, he fractured my cheekbone when he punched me in the face, he repeatedly slammed my head into the counter and choked me. The only thing that stopped him was me hitting him on the head with something hard enough to get him to stop.

The police were called because the neighbors heard me screaming for help through the walls. By that time, he left. Needless to say, the police arrested him. I cried the entire time he was in jail. I felt like it was MY fault. Like I had done something to provoke this. And dear God I loved this man so much. I'll be very honest in saying that I still do though I would NEVER let him know that.

Again, I let him back in my life... even with a mandatory protection order in place. I blamed the alcohol and pills. I thought that he did that because of the substance. I was wrong. The last and FINAL time came when he punched me in the face at the doctors office at my little girls appointment. He'd been at work all day and hadn't had any alcohol or drugs. I finally knew then that it would never stop.

Once again my little girl became hysterical. Not only did he hurt her... but so did I because I allowed her to be in that environment.

It's been almost a year since I finally left. I've got my friends and family back and two beautiful little girls that I don't know what I would do without. I know in my heart that should I have stayed... I may not be here today.

Do not call her an idiot. She already feels like crap. Be as supportive as you can be. Call the police if you see it happening. Encourage her to go the police. Make sure that she has a place to stay that is safe if she decides to leave him. Encourage her to go to counseling. But most of all... just love her and show her that you're there for her. Know this... that "Rich" probably DOES love her, however, it's a dysfunctional kind of love. And he can be "fixed" with help.

Lots of Love

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your words of advice. I did try to call her. She has switched her phone number. My close friend has called my friends therapist and her Mom. They both say there is nothing we can do because Maria dropped the protection order. I would stop by and check on her but she lives 3 and a half hours from here. I'm going to type a letter and send it. I'm going to fill it full of love and comfort and also offer my house to her. I want her to be happy, I want her to have a man who loves her.

My friend also said Maria, is wanting a baby with this asshole. I'm scared to death for that. Rich was raped as a child and molested and chances are he could turn around and do this to a baby. Please keep her in your prayers. I'll keep you update.

Thanks so much again.


Anonymous said...

ooo ooo ooo!! PERFECT song for this.....

Facedown by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Fits perfectly... and when I think about him... I listen to this song.


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