Friday, January 9, 2009

A Bad Habit

Something I wrote a while ago...thought I'd share. Bit of writers block lately. Seems my muse has disappeared.

Have you ever taken a long pull on a cigarette and then held the smoke in your mouth and let the nicotine settle in to all the nerves in your face? What a feeling huh? I’ve decided it feels an awful lot like love. Explanation? Fine fine, only because you asked so nicely.

Whether it is your first time smoking, or you are a 30 year old chain smoker, heck even the 60 year olds that have been smoking for a lifetime, holding that nicotine in your mouth, that smoke, has the same affect on everybody. First it affects your nose, starts to burn a little, but actually is somewhat enjoyable. Then it moves to your eyes, your eyes start watering uncontrollably, then, if you can continue to take the heat, your ears will actually burn. The last affect, is your tongue…if held long enough, your tongue can actually start to bleed. As you breathe out though, you realize that somehow, in all this pain, you feel an indescribable buzz, you’re floating above yourself just a bit, in a state of both relaxation and exhilaration. Although the pain was huge for a while, you are able to feel consumed in a moment of ecstasy. Both though, the pain of pains, and the rush of ultimate momentary satisfaction, eventually, will disappear. You’ll have to take another drag, or choose to quit.

How is this all related to love? With love comes bliss, a feeling of pure ecstasy, knowing exactly what it feels like to stand on the edge of a cliff and feel like your falling, but being caught by the one person that you would die for. But with love also comes more pain than you can ever imagine. You’ll have two extremes, and you cant feel the ultimate joy without being on the other end of that teeter-totter, with absolute torture from the inside out. Both high and low will rock you to your inner core, hitting every nerve, every sense. Hitting you with such a blow that the rest of the world can see your blush of love, and pain of a broken heart.

Is it worth it? Is the ultimate pain worth feeling to live in moments consumed with perfection? Is that bliss worth the hurt? You have to choose to take another breathe…you can quit this habitual love, or you can take another drag and experience it all over again. Is it better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? I am in those shoes for the first time in my life, and I cant answer it because I don’t know if I am winning or losing this losing game. I think though, no matter how big this pain gets, no matter how much it hurts, it will be worth it. One of the moments I had with him, one of them alone, was worth it.



Anonymous said...

You think cigarettes provide an amazing should try crack!

Love is more like crack because you keep coming back even though you know it's killing you. And if you do crack/love with multiple people you can get diseases.

Anonymous said...

Okay, weird. Tonight I just told someone I know that I knew you smoked sometimes. I wish you wouldnt but I knew you did sometimes.
Im posting anonymous, but you know who I am. :)

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