Thursday, July 23, 2009

F is for frustration. V is for venting.

Usually I am a big bundle of optimism and love. However, on occasion, if you put me in a juicer, you would pucker that the sourness that I spill. It happens. And it's happening now. Ugh. So, to release the frustration I feel, I am going to spew my negativity here, where it won't hurt anyone.

As I have so obviously put forth, I adore mah boy. He is the light of my life. But, about a month ago (around the same time we moved from Cheyenne) he began to change from my sweet boy... to a child who has not only discovered his own will, but one who does not sleep very well.

Without sleep I am nothing. I swear, I could be super-mom if I had at least five or six hours of uninterrupted rest each night. But, I digress.

I've blogged before about my internal struggle with weaning Malachi from nursing to sleep. And I've taken each piece of advice (with the exception of the silly points) to heart and have truly followed it to see if it will be successful. Every time another mama suggests a formula, a theory or a way to help my situation, my brains shout out, "Now, why didn't WE think of that?!" Until, my predictions come true. Malachi does not take to any tactic that I try to put in to practice.

Really, I would be totally okay with nursing him to sleep until he weans himself or until I feel that I am strong enough to endure hours of non-stop crying- on both our parts.Last week, I had had enough and to avoid throwing him across the room, I sat him in his play pen and walked out of the room. Four hours later, with pieces of my heart trailing around the house, I went back in to soothe his temper and horse voice. I really do think that if I hadn't have gone in to the room, he would have continued to cry for hours more. Stubborn child.

NOTE: it is a silly idea for a woman to think that she is beyond hurting her child. I am admitting here that thoughts do fly through my head with ways I could get Malachi to stop crying or go to bed. But, those ways are wrong. Instead, as I said, I choose to put him in a safe place (crying or not) and give myself a moment to clear my emotions. If any mama reaches the same point, she has the responsibility to take control of her emotions. {Call a friend, a neighbor and ask them to watch your child for a few minutes while you pull yourself together. If you don't have anyone to call, set your child in a safe place and leave the room.} No good will come from using force on a child that doesn't understand the intention behind it and your conscience will only rip you to shreds if you loose yourself in a moment of anger.

On Monday, Malachi and I will move to Boise and start a transition over again. I really hope, with everything that is in me, that we will be able to slowly work toward a new routine. I know that routine is everything. I just need Malachi to be able to comfort himself and I will always be here for him, to do the rest.

As of last night and the hour and a half it took to go to sleep; I do not have a bright outlook for the future. It seems that this will never end and I will always be attached to him by my bosom. I just need me time and I need to be able to appreciate my son. A break is severely needed but I'm sure I won't get it in the near future.

As always, advice is welcome. I would truly appreciate hearing from any parents that have experienced nursing their baby and and then breaking from that. I'm not excited about the "crying it out" method. Isn't there a middle road I can take??


Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you-no mother likes to hear the crying sounds of her baby as she leaves the room (it goes against every fiber in our being) HOWEVER, as hard as it is, you are truly helping Malachi develop independence, self-soothing skills and saving yourself from insanity by using the "cry-it-out" method. Start with 5 minutes, go check on him carefully lay him back down if he is sitting up and don't say a word, after 10 min do the same then 20 etc.... if you take him out of the crib or talk to him everytime he cries he will develop that association/habit and it will be VERY difficult to break. I know it's hard, but like you said call a friend, go outside, leave the room where you can't hear him cry...then check in on him in 5 min....hope that helps!!!! My prayers are with ya lady!

Sazaran said...

That's the thing!! I've done exactly what you said... checked on him at 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 40 minutes, etc. It didn't help. After four hours later (I even took a shower!) I couln't handle it any more.

And just today, I walked him for two hours (in the 91 degree heat). He finally fell asleep at the last five minutes of our walk. So, I left him in his stroller. As soon as I pulled up to the house, he awoke. I took him downstairs... and one hour later, Rase's mom had to come in and rescue me.

Mind you, we are not in our own house yet. So, any thing I try here will just be a moot point because I'll have to transition him to a new place AGAIN.

I'm burned out.

Daily Offensive (baha!) said...

Wait until you're in a place where you can start enforcing a routine. Once you're there...start with ONE thing, not all of it. Make it a habit to lay him down to cry every night at 8pm (or whatever time)...once he gets a grip on that, then start a regular nap time...etc. You cant wean, and change his sleep routine, and his entire surroundings, all at the same time.

Baby steps. There's a reason they're called that. :)

You're doing awesome mamma bear, keep your cool, you are almost there! You are doing amazing...better than most would with such a stubborn little boy. It'll be worth every minute, I promise!


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