Tuesday, July 20, 2010


We've all experienced something similar to what this Ghost Blogger is dealing with. Whether you've had a mother in law, will have one, or had one...you know what it's like to be the daughter. Maybe, just maybe, we'll be in lucky to have a "mom" reader that can lend her thoughts from the other side of this argument? What's it like having to love the girl your son chooses? Lend her your thoughts, readers! -Nomz and Sazaran

Mother-in-laws often forget that they are/were daughter-in-laws.

If you are one of the few who haven’t been driven to your breaking point by a mother-in-law, consider yourself one of the lucky few.

I am sure we have all heard the horror stories of new mother-in-laws. It seems that the largest problem lies with the newly wed wife and his mother. The movie Monster in Law shows the extremes of the situation, but most daughter-in-laws can relate in at least one way.

Marriage is a hard thing. There is so much new going on just between husband and wife, but add to that trying to melt two families together. There are many debates that will arise: What holiday do we spend with which family? Whose house do we stay at? Just to give an example. These issues are only complicated with a pushy or invasive mother-in-law.

Whether her intentions are good or not, the pushy mother-in-law seems to forget what it is like trying to start her own family. A girl just wants things to be perfect, in HER own way. The problem seems to be that it is a different way than what the mother-in-law would do. It is important to a new wife to feel like she is starting her new family and home that will be picture perfect, the one where she will grow old because most girls have been dreaming about it since she was three. Most mother-in-laws will drive their new daughter-in-laws nuts by trying to be too helpful. They don’t think about how it felt when their mother-in-law was in their face.

It is always talked about how hard it is for the father of the bride on the wedding day, but they seem to let go after that day better that the mother of the groom. I know that mothers just want what is best for their little boy’s, but sometimes, it is best to just let go. It can be hard to think of a new female knowing your son better than you or taking care of him, but it is weird to try to play mommy to a grown, married, man!

So I have been dealing with the pushy mother-in-law who just doesn’t get it for 8 years. It still isn’t perfect, but I have learned a few things that help me deal.

• She really doesn’t realize what she is doing. Her intentions are good not evil.

• Set some boundaries. FROM THE START! She has to know that she isn’t in charge of every detail of everything anymore.

• From the beginning, explain to her (nicely but firm), she doesn’t get to be involved in aspect or decision. (Yes, I know this goes with the one above, but it is SO important, I have to spell it out twice.)

• Daughter-in-laws: Your husband will never get it. He will never understand why his mom comes off rude or fully understand how she makes you feel inadequate. Try to let him know you need him to support you while SETTING BOUNDARIES. (ooops said it again)

• Lastly, try to let the things that aren’t major to you go. Pick your battles, and stand up when you must, but try to let the unimportant, just annoying stuff go. You know you may end up being that mother-in-law someday!

Did I forget any? Have some tips or stories you want to share? I’d love to hear them!



Anonymous said...

I had a mother-in-law one time (yes I've been married twice) that wanted to be my best friend. She would show up at my house, work every single day - unannounced! She would also call me non-stop (that was back in the day before texting and email).

I do believe that is what led to breaking up our marriage. She just wouldn't leave us alone to build on our new marriage /relationship AND she wanted me as her new best friend. Um, that didn't work because she is the 'mother-in-law'.

Mother-in-laws need to back off and play their role. End of story.

Anonymous said...

First let me start off by saying some of you may know who I am, because some of you were there or have heard the story! I have a wonderful mother-in-law! She is a perfect fit for me and I wouldn't change a thing!

Now, Grandmother-in-law, is a whole different story! It started out great by giving my husband and I a house live in rent free, just before we got married! The house she raise her family in. (Will never do that again). Then all hell broke lose! My husband and I are both christians, just a different demonation. Which made no difference to us. We qwould have been very happy with an out door wedding and a Juctice of the Peace. Then grandma stepping saying we should get married in the church she and my husbands parents got married in! I reluctantly agreed for the fact of the house. Everything worked out perfectly until... The Ceremony! Let's just say the preacher threw a curve ball! And there was a moment I really thought about leaving the church unmarried and going to the court house the next morning. But I suffered through it! I regret to this day all most six years later that I didn't stand up for what WE qwanted in the first place! Things are better because we now have boundries!

I loved the this blog! But would love to hear what a mother-in-law would have tho say on this topic!


Anonymous said...

Very well said. There are so many mother in laws who won't let go. The can really make simple things miserable.

Anonymous said...

My wedding is coming up VERY very quickly... and while I do love her, my future mother-in-law is starting to get under my skin.

In their family- they talk about everything, which is cool- for them! My side however, talks about the important things when need be, but never is anyone invasive.

Not too long ago, we're all sitting around for dinner, and my future M-I-L turns to me and says(in front ov EVERYONE) " so you went and got your pap smear done right? How did that go? Results come back fine?" SERIOUSLY!?!?! A. that isn't anyone's information other than my own. B. Why would it EVER be appropriate for dinner conversation??

I have tried setting boundaries, I have asked politely for my space to be respected, but it continues. Other than be downright mean about it, which honestly wouldn't work and would cause more drama- what is a girl to do?

Anonymous said...

Wow,Bride-to-be that sounds so much like something my MIL would do. STICK WITH IT! Keep telling her you guys need your space. Be brutally honest. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable talking about everything with everyone. Keep with it and be strong. You will thank yourself later. You give MILs too much space and they will keep pushing!

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