Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Motherhood has given me a great rack, and other notable qualities.

I’ve been having this ongoing battle between the voices in my head about the pros and cons of giving birth to my son. Although I do feel a huge canyon has been formed between those (my friends) who haven’t yet had children, I am so grateful that my mother and I now have a new area in which to bond- stretch marks. Actually, that’s not true. She didn’t get stretch marks- my stomach looks like my cat used it as a clawing post. BUT, we do both love our body shaping suits (SPANX, ASSETS- Godsend, anyone??).

So, aside from my botched pride and my no-longer-youthful body, I have developed (so to speak) some great qualities from this thing called “motherhood”. For one, my boobs are quite impressive. And although I WILL NOT post nudie pics (c’mon people, stop emailing me!!!) I will tell you that my husband has fallen in love with me, er, them all over again. Not sure if that’s a good thing at this point; but, I would much rather have him pining over me than the blonde, childless broad at his job.

Where I once would eat anything off of any surface while quoting the “10 second rule” (this would shorten or lengthen, depending on the surface) and blessing my little morsel to kill any germs, I now have a built in germ radar that is Code Red 24/7. There must be some sort of switch that flips on in a woman’s head when she has a child. I feel like a superhero with a curse. I can see the bugs and bacteria crawling everywhere. Thus, the hand sanitizer I carry in my car, in my purse, in my pants pockets, in my husband’s pants pockets, in the diaper bag… you get the idea. I firmly believe that this will both lengthen my life and protect my son from the bubonic plague. God bless the woman who invented that stuff (I don’t exactly know if it was a woman. But, really, there is no a more paranoid person than a mother. And where necessity lies… there also lies invention. Or something like that).

I want to be a better person. Now, ha, I know I’ve said this many many times. But, having a little one to introduce the world to makes you want to do your part to make that world a better place. Let’s face it. The world is crap today; I almost feel guilty for bringing a life into existence in this garbage heap we call humanity. Yuck. This year, though, I’ve actually, seriously thought of a New Year’s resolution. I don’t want to do something superficial like stop biting my nails (that would be easy, I don’t), stop eating meat (tried that once, already) or give hugs to everyone (I don’t like the people I work with, so that would be pointless). I want to really change something meaningful. I’ll let you know when I realize what that meaningful thing is.

And, so, as I add bring this blog to and end, I want to dedicate it to the youngest love of my life. My son. Without him, I would be one whole cup size smaller and just a little less motivated to change the world… one really cool inspiring idea at a time.

Happy New Year everyone!!

Love, Sazaran


Search the Daily Offensive!