♫Striking a Match

I’m out of blogging material, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I only want to light fires lately. Normally, I love to put them out. So, in order to get my blog back on, I need to get some things off my chest, light a match, and watch things burn.

There is something about the heat of a fire. An actual fire, mind you. But unless you change positions when you’re standing around that fire, half of you gets cold.

Lesson: If you don’t rotate yourself around life’s fires, half of you will get cold. I’ve got to get a different perspective on some of this. To some of you, it’s old news. To some, you won’t care. And to those that it offends, well it shouldn’t. Because I’m doing my best to only speak truth. It’s going to be in a similar format like my Random Monday ramblings, so you won’t necessarily understand every word, and it’s gonna be a mess. Thanks for letting me write it out.

My matchbox:

*I love being a single mom. I throw single around lightly, I’m in a relationship-but a long distance one. Which means five days a week, I am very much on my own. And I love it. I love that I have the strength to be a single mom. I love the inner strength and the bond I have with my kids because of my status. I love the community and understanding of single mamma’s. But there are nights that I scream at my kids for no reason. There are nights that bath time seems like a mountain taller than Everest that I fear climbing alone. There are nights, that if my kids whine one more time, I am tempted to pull my hairs out one by one, just to see if it’d be less painful.

*I sometimes crave a past I never had. I had this perfect image of what life is going to be, and thought I was living, and want to scream at people for letting that image go up in flames. I had this idea that if I created the perfect home, that I’d never be in this position. And he ruined it. I blame him so hard for the situation I’m in. And then I realize that I can’t blame him or anybody else for something I never had. I fell in love with an image, a falsehood. And I learned from the hard knocks of that reality, when my heart was all busted up, when my home was torn apart, what the truth was. Thank everything for the past I never had. Because if it weren’t for it, I wouldn’t appreciate things when they’re good, and right. I wouldn’t appreciate the future.

*Every now and then, I look around my job and wonder how I ended up here. I think that I’m doing nothing right, and that by luck only, I’ve landed myself in a dream job that I cant imagine ever leaving. Sometimes, I find myself waiting for the bottom to drop out. Then…I remember to thank God for opportunities that he puts in front of us, whether we’re ready or not. Staring in to space at my job, lacking confidence in my ability to do it better than anybody else, is not a rare occurrence.

*I get frustrated when I cant see the future. I want so badly to know what choices to make that will make my future all it can be for my girls. For my girls. It’d odd, that once you have kids, you have no other priority. There are days that makes things a lot harder. So hard I’d rather sleep for a few years and let things fall in to place on their own, with no regard for responsibility.

*Sometimes, I watch chick flicks, and like them.

*Longevity with somebody isn’t everything. That truth right there? Is probably the biggest brick I’ve swallowed lately. Just because you know somebody inside and out, and they you, and they’re your longest standing partner in crime…doesn’t mean that they’re forever. Or that they’d actually jump off a bridge for you. Or that they’d work hard to save whatever you’ve got. No matter how upset you get, it’s not your fault. It wasn’t a waste of time. And you learned things from them that are valuable and irreplaceable. There is no regrets. There are mistakes, and there are lessons. Some days, I really miss her. Other days, I realize how blessed I am to have the support system I do. That there is a reason for everything. And sometimes, things fall apart so other things have room to fall together and grow.

*I love that I finally have a relationship with my parents that I almost ruined a few years ago. Funny how life’s priorities change. Which brings me to…

*Boys aren’t everything. I know sometimes it feels like they are. It’s almost like they’re worth risking family, friends, school, work, everything. But they’re not. I’d like to think after going through that once, you’d never let it happen again. Women are strange creatures, and easily swayed when hearts are involved.

*There are two sides to every story for a reason. Get a grip on both sides, hard, before you make a decision about anything.

*I can be irrational. Emotional. Insecure. Downright crazy. And I scream, and throw things, and cry, for no reason at all.

*Being with somebody, isn’t everything. And though I love the idea of a life partner, until I’m completely comfortable with myself, it’s useless to plot such fairytales. It’s not fair to them. My story is being written as we speak, don’t rush to the next chapter until this one is through.

If all these matches in my matchbox are completely obscure, odd, and insane…I’m so glad I’m not normal.

Yours Truly,
Nomz