♥365 Days of Change

Nomz wrote all about what has happened to her this year. Holy cats, it's been a crazy year hasn't it? Feels almost like the stuff she accomplished should've taken longer. But, no, that's my Naomi. She crams all the learning and growing things into 365 days of change.

I'd say the same amount of craziness has happened in my life, too. If you take Sazaran from summer of 2010 and hold her up to Sazaran of 2011 you probably would think they're two different people; the former being sort of a gray-scale version of the latter. However, I'm not going to blog about what has happened to me; instead, I'm going to blog about what has happened in me. Because we all know that what happens to you does not necessarily reflect what happens inside of you.

- First and foremost, I've learned (am learning) what true love is. I'm being brought back to the basics: love, grace, mercy, time with Jesus. The main character of this life lesson? My husband, Bruce. Didn't see THAT coming, did ya?! He's been a prime example, from day one of the climb towards that sacrificial love that always endures. I'm so happy that I get to do life with him, I wouldn't want to be tethered to anyone else.

-I've learned to laugh, even when the most logical emotion is the opposite.

- Just like Nomz, (gosh we're so much alike) I branched out with my writing and honed in on that voice speaking inside of me. I took on the challenge of my frequent writer's block and just wrote... a lot. Not even in the blog, but everywhere. Yes, if you're wondering, I'm still offending people with my words. Not intentionally, though. It just happens. I've learned that that part of me might never change. As long as I use it for good and not for evil I don't think I'll employ censor tape.

- I've learned to discern which bridges need to be burned and which need to be rebuilt.

- I've been shown the difference between loving people just as they are and knowing that love calls us from victory to victory. Love doesn't allow us to wallow in our old ways, but it challenges us to be new and improved. Still, that love that says, "I'll stick with you and love you for YOU" is an important lesson.

- I've learned to not forget about my dreams and to pursue them.

- I'm learning about suffering. And death. And love. And how they all blend to make the most beautiful life-tapestry. I'm learning that the hard way doesn't always have to be seen as the worst way. See? Fireflight knows:

The pressure makes us stronger
The struggle makes us hunger
The hard lessons make the difference
And the difference makes it worth it

- Life comes in full circle, ya know? All the things I never thought I'd personally have to deal with are right back in my life. God's sneaky like that.

- I've learned about friendship. What it looks like, what it doesn't look like. Where I need to improve and where I've done a good job. I've learned to let go and/or to cling to, all the while finally realizing that friendship is not a source of "what can I get from this?" but "how can I be your friend, first?" That's a tricky one, let me tell you.

- I'm being called to something higher; to something that scares the crap out of me. And I think this might be the next lesson that I learn: I can do nothing on my own. God shows His funny sense of humor when He uses the foolish things to confound the wise. He calls the weakest people to tackle the biggest tasks. He chooses the most unexpected ways to fulfill His will. I'm part of that unexpected pick, I think. Not even I would have chosen me for what He has planned. And I need to learn to let go and trust. <---- biggest lesson, right there.

- I've learned that the lessons will never stop presenting themselves. And the choice of when to learn the lesson is up to me.

♫ Stay Out of Your Way

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”— Ralph Waldo Emerson

My heart hurts.

It's been a day of conflict. And what hurts the most, is that not a single bit of it was with me. I just had to sit and watch the pain happen. I was sitting at work today, getting dizzy, watching two friends destroy each other with venomous thoughts.

As if watching a movie, I chose to rewind. I thought back on the last few months, and how much I've shed tears for broken friends, lost sleep over torn family, and emailed until my fingers were exhausted - resolving or creating conflict.

It's not one person that's always involved. It's every single person that I know...hurting. I hear a lot of excuses. I give a lot of excuses. ...

She's selfish. He's always been mean, I've just run out of patience. Money is too tight to fix things. She won't learn from her mistakes. I'm facing a life-change, and can't deal with it. It's his fault. It's his job. My kids are naughty. She's gotten so self, and boy, absorbed. She always has an excuse. He loves somebody else more than me. He won't leave his dream for mine. She's quick to judge, but refuses to see herself truly. He's clingy. My job is too hard.

It's ironic how when we're absolutely unhappy, we immediately turn to blame somebody else, isn't it? We never find ourselves to blame for our own unhappiness, but we're quick to boast how we found our destiny. Our love. Our joy. All the good.

"For every second that we are angry, we lose a second of happiness."
"Bitterness is a symptom of emotional failure."
"In life, don't always wait for someone to come along and fix whats wrong. Sometimes, you just have to be your own hero/"

To find happiness and balance, we've got to find it in ourselves, by ourselves, accepting full responsibility for our choices, emotions, and actions. To find your place in this world, you've got to pick your path all on your own. To find a sense of belonging, listen to your heart. Your heart.

To find your way, you've got to get out of your way.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

♫ Little Miss...

I've got this overwhelming urge to organize something, probably because my life is in such disarray at the moment. So, I'm organizing randomness. <--this takes talent, people.

I wish

*I wish the world, including myself, had less of a reliance for material items, and more of a need for emotional satisfaction.

*I wish, sometimes, that I could choose who reads our blog. Not that I want to block people, I wish I could block their assumptions though.

*I wish I wouldn't wait until I'm absolutely down and beaten, to remind myself that it's easier to be optimistic.

*I wish there was a way to decline kindness, without offending or hurting.

*I wish I could see the world through my kids' eyes.

*I wish more people would realize that it's the season to give, and not the season to gripe.

*I wish I could swoop up every hurting child in the world, and mother the heck out of them.

I've learned:

*I've learned that... "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves."

*I've learned that I make mistakes, and no matter how much I cry about them, they'll probably happen again.

*I've learned that when people have a void, they usually fill it with all of the wrong things, rather than seeking self worth.

*I've realized that I lack confidence in myself, and guilt trip myself as often as possible, to somehow make me feel better.

*I've learned that music heals faster than anything else.

I need to remember:

*I need to remember that most people, regardless of their actual action, have good intentions in mind.

*I need to remember that no matter what, I only have control over my reactions and emotions.

*I need to remember that I am right where I'm supposed to be, or God wouldn't have let the doors open.

New findings and musings:

*You're never too old to need your daddy.

*Tuesdays aren't nearly as bad as I always thought. In fact, they are right up there with Fridays in my book...all of a sudden.

*Bitterness in contagious. Fight it with immune boosters including but not limited to: optimism, 'thank you's', positive energy, the ability to walk away.

*Every girl needs a pile of good girlfriends.

*There is very little that cannot be cured with a flat iron and a glass of wine.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

PS- My latest favorite tune, brought to you by Sugarland: (In case Sugarland makes your ears bleed, please see lyrics posted below video)



Little Miss down on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,
It'll be alright again

♫ A Rainy October

Here's the thing...

In Sazaran's most recent blog, she said this about me, and it really couldn't be more true: "Nomz may seem like she’s fallen off the face of the planet. But, I can tell you that that isn’t the case. In fact, I believe she’s familiarizing herself with this planet in a whole new way. Let’s cheer her on in making the right choices, trusting more than she has before and seeing things in a new light. Because, after all, she happens to life; life doesn’t happen to her."

October has been bittersweet, and I won't mind so much if the door does indeed hit it in the ass on its way out. I'm an extremely independent girl, completely dependent and leaning hard on the people that count in my life...and it makes my insides hurt.

I'm learning the hard way, that when you take the chance of flying, you'll probably ruffle some feathers. I followed my heart, I'm learning to stand on my own two feet and rebuild, and I'm learning the hard truth that not everybody is going to like it.

I defeated a zipline in the dark last night with my favorites last night, and I'm off to conquer the rest of the world with them by my side! My support system, like that 30 foot high cable, is constant. It's safe. It's trustworthy. It's faithful. I'm latching on and enjoying this ride! (It wasn't just who was present last night...if you're in "my village", you know exactly who you are. I love you so hard.)

You see...It's not who stood by and watched you fall, it's not who looked at your decisions disapprovingly, its not who talked about your mistakes. It's the people that stayed by your side through all of those things unfailingly, that really matter the most.

I am indeed seeing the this world in a whole new light. I am getting so familiar with this change that I'm calling it "home". I am falling in love. I am happening to life.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

Pretty!

♫ Every Girl Should...

My list, of things every girl should own, know how to wear, a skill she should possess, and an experience she should have. In order to survive this world...us girls, well, have to be girls!

Every Girl Should...

*Get kissed in the rain, at least once, if not over and over again.

*Own a pair of ridiculously high heels.

*Keep her favorite pair of pants, and kill herself a few times a year for no longer being able to fit in to them (but you will someday, so keep them!).

*Fall in love. At least twice.

*Feel like a $5 hooker. Seriously girls, it's ok to get a cheap thrill out of seeing your man wildly attracted to you in your hooker boots, dark makeup, and fantastic body.

*Compile a stack of chick flick movies to cry at when you're home alone, or craving a girls' movie night.

*Gather, and keep close, a good stock of girlfriends. (Yes, girls are evil, but who the heck else is going to understand your insanities AND take you out on the town to feel young again?!)

*Have bitch-out music. Forgive the language, but you KNOW when you have THAT SONG playing in the car, windows down, after a rough day? All is well in the world, without even a second thought of needing a guy to fix your day.

*Red high heels (Cheesy video, but makes the point for me.):



*Have a favorite type of wine, easy access to a deep bathtub, and candles. At the ready, at all times.

*Obtain a journal that will fit in your purse. Or seven. Don't worry, nobody ever actually finishes them, or writes in them every day...but you've got so many thoughts, it's a good thing to have on you at all times.

*Know how to use a gun. Ladies, you'll never be self sufficient without feeling protected without a guy. Get yourself in a self defense class, a hunter's safety class, and buy a gun. It'll make you feel all risky, too...bonus!

*Learn how to drive stick-shift. Yes, we live in the day and age where every car practically comes with autopilot (omg, have you seen the commercials for that car that PARALLEL PARKS FOR YOU?!), but learn how to do it anyway. I've got one you can borrow!

*Ride on the back of a motorcycle. Feel it, like it.

*Make a huge change to your hair, at least once.

*Write a poem, feel empowered.

*Conquer a dance class. if you've got a heart, you've got rhythm...even if it's buried seven layers underneath your clumsiness.

*Have your mama and daddy on speed dial. Forever and ever, no matter how crazy they get, or how much you think you don't need them.

*Know how to work a plunger. At some point ladies, you'll live alone and really regret not knowing how to work one of these nasty beasts.

What am I missing??

Yours Truly,
Nomz

♫ My day in 10 steps

I'm a single mom, a friend, a girl friend, a daughter, a hard worker, all in one day. Every day.

My life, broken down in 10 easy steps...

#1. Listen for my girls running out of their room, hoping to join me in bed first thing in the morning to cuddle before we kick the day off.

#2. Next: The morning ritual of a call from Brandon, wishing me a good day.

#3. I walk in from my car, to work. It’s about 100 yards, and I can tell by that walk exactly how the weather is going to behave for the next 12 hours.

#4. Get a warm greeting from my coworkers every morning, reminding me that it wouldn’t hurt to be 10 minutes earlier.

#5. Be grateful for the next half hour that I was ten minutes late because I chose to cuddle with my girls.

#6. Slave away, at a job I love, surrounded via email, Facebook, live chat, and texting…with a support system that never quits.

#7. Pick up my girls and listen to them squueeeeeel when I open the door at the sitters.

#8. Head to our next adventure: Gramma’s house, the park, our friend’s house to jog/play dollies, mastics, etc.

#9. Listen to the girls say their prayers, say my own.

#10. Fall asleep after checking on the girls at least twice, to the sound of Brandon’s voice.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

Life's Tingley's-Nomz

“I actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life—so why did I feel like none of it resembled me?” (Eat, Pray Love-Elizabeth Gilbert)-Read it!

Know that feeling? I think we’ve all been there. If you haven’t, you will. At some point, you’ll wake up, look around, and wonder how you got there and where to go next. The question is not if it will happen, but when. And when it does, are you ready? Are you ready to feel loneliness to the depth of your core? Are you really ready to find out who’s been behind you or next to you, and who’s been holding you back or shoving you down?

It seems, some of us like to remain in that “safe” place. The place where we are comfortable, the place that feels “ok”. We’d rather not take a leap and find out what’s on the other side of misery. We prefer to stay stuck in the mud, content with the way life has turned out, even though things could get better with a little risk. That’s ok! I really truly believe there are two kinds of people. There are the kind that prefer “comfortable”, and there are the kind that prefer “life’s tingely’s”.

The kind of people that enjoy to be tingled constantly, are risk takers. The ones that get hurt more than anybody else. The ones that stick themselves out there to be attacked. It’s hard. It’s scary. But you feel every bit of life to the fullest extent. You get goosebumps when you hear the right voice hit the right note in the perfect song. You fall in love so deep that it makes your ribs hurt because you ache for them so hard. You get shattered to pieces because you love somebody with everything in you. You have to leave people behind that are holding you down. Do you really think that the people at the top of the ladder in life got there by being “comfortable”? By being ok with settling with whatever hand life dealt them? I don’t think so! It takes passion, drive, and risk. It takes heartache. It takes loss. I…will always feel the tingley’s in life. Always.

Two challenges.

#1. Comment on this blog with a way that you’ve felt tingley’s…or the reason you prefer to be comfortable (that’s ok too!)

#2. Make a list of things you want to do before you die, and start doing it. Who knows what tomorrow holds.

“If you desire your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author, and every day you have the opportunity to write a new page.” --Mike Houlahan