I'm frustrated with the complexity of life sometimes. I get so wrapped up in my stress, tension, and to-do list, that I forget how easy it is in a moment, to simplify life long enough to enjoy it.
It's been a few weeks since a Random Monday blog, mostly for lack of time. Writing one at this point would just be ridiculous. It'd be 10 miles long, and 3 miles deep!
Instead, I need to just write. Did you ever do those exercises in English, where you weren't allowed to stop your pen from moving for an allotted amount of time? It works like a vacuum on cobwebs...and even makes this fun *shwoop!* noise! ...Well, not so much, but it works.
Please don't feel like you have to read through this mess, or even comment. Strike that. I want you to comment, in the same form. Write everything in your head, for five minutes straight. Under 'anonymous'. Get it all out. I'm listening, and will be praying for every commenter! <3
Annnnnnnnnd go:
We make life too complicated. I love the sound of crunchy leaves. I love my dogs, but I hate the puppy phase. She eats everything. I love my girls, but age four is painful. I love working, but I miss my family. I am tired of the single mom song. I love my God, and I love that He doesn't take roll call. I am afraid to fly, but am trying anyway. I LOVE both of my jobs. I'm overwhelmed with things to be grateful for. I am blessed to have a hellova support team. I love the smell of clean sheets, but not pillowcases. I want all pillowcases to smell like him. My camera and inspiration has been revived. I wish every summer was an Indian one. I have amazing friends. I'm not afraid to be 27, and am actually quite excited for this year. I love my curtains. It's ok that I only see one friend at a time. I will never stop loving ChickFilA. I adore reading. I am journaling again, in an old fashioned kind, pen and paper, the kind my girls will be able to hold and smell someday. I hate that glasses have gone from an accessory to a requirement. I hate short fuses. I hate long nights. I love making up. My bookshelf is my new favorite accessory to the living room, especially when perfectly dusted and topped with a good smelling candle. I wish people wouldn't be afraid of change. I hate laziness. I am not a felon, I am a divorcee...quite different. I am too forgiving. My daughter has my teeth, yay? My other daughter firmly believes that the decorated pumpkin in her room is giving her bad dreams, and that praying and dream catchers save her when they're not too tired. I wonder sometimes, if some people will ever leave denial, and find happiness. I worry even more often, that those same people will put themselves in the ground before realizing that change isnt a bad as they think. I'm hard to love, easy to trust, and fun to watch. I firmly believe in fairies. And wishes. And love. And forever. I find that passion, when squandered, does more harm than good. I'm tired of feeling like a thorn in her side. I miss the "her" that I remember so fondly. I hate being spiteful. I wish he'd get the appreciation he deserves. I have a newfound love for orange. It's impossible to make everybody happy, but it doesn't hurt to try. I live for experience and memories, not matieral items. I want fondue. I love, love, love everything about every kind of lily. Love is never-ending. Kindness is contagious. Naps aren't just for kids.
16 minutes.
Your turn! I'll even make the *shwoop* noise for you!
Yours Truly,
Nomz
Sunday, November 7, 2010
♫ Word Vomit
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11 comments:
I wish that you and I talked more like bffs rather than acquaintances who used to work together. I'm sad that your kids are growing up and I dont get to see it happen. I wish we could go on double-dates. I also wish the dishes would do themselves and that I had more people in my life to experiment with different types of food. I want to make biscotti tonight but am having a hard time motivating myself. I still worry about marriage and whether the results are worth it, and whether I'm making the right decision (cause it only affects the rest of my life). I wish you a billion happies in the world and am stoked that you find a few new ones each day.
I love dogs. Cats live too long. I want to be a Life Coach some day. I enjoy sunshine. I love warm clean beds. I strive to share happiness every day. I love my girlfriends. I love my sane & happy life that I've created, amongst so many drama queens. I love looking deep into eyes & loving the insides of a person. I hate people who puke their drama and unhappiness all over FB & Twitter. I'm a paperwork geek. I dislike working out. I love what working out has done for my body. I get things done, fast. I play lawyer from time to time. I have a deep dream. I'm an adopted mom to several beautiful young women. I'm a supportive & loving Aunt to 11 nieces & nephews I know what I desire for my future. I take chances for my happiness. I want to live forever, but know I could die tomorrow. I want to rid the world of depression. I love music. Lyrics of songs talk to me. I sing loud when no one is watching. I don't like attention on me. Sleeping in rocks!
I'm learning that it's just as important as you get older to dance like no one is watching. Being around young ones makes me remember the freedom of thought and imagination of youth that seems to diminish as we get older - I'm not trying to depress the young set, really, I'm not!
As I watch my elderly parent lose the memory of things past, I'm finding the need to recapture the spirit of my youth... Not so much as to be childish, but to reclaim the joy that was.
I was never one to write in a journal... maybe there was just too much homework and chores when I was young. I have all the good intentions to write some blogs - I even have the docs created by topic so whenever the whim hits me, I can key away the thoughts.
I do find immense pleasure in sending friends handwritten notes. I love, love, LOVE stationery! I have boxes of note paper and cards. I like to choose stationery that fits my friends or if all else fails, I print a photo and make my own card.
I still watch my sentence structure... having gone to Catholic school, I still have Sr. Elizabeth in my head telling me I am too fond of run-on sentences. I find myself still doing that in e-mails.
And I'm not happy that most communication is done via texts or e-mails, but in my current life happenstance, those modes of communication are my lifelines to the rest of the world.
I do find joy in the antics of my dog and my cats - I love that cats live a long life because they do funny things regardless of their age. And they don't care what I'm doing or what the weather is like, they'll purr the moment they see me and I love that!
I still chuckle at the thought that some have called me an enigma... but still blush that I had to find a dictionary to see what that meant the first time someone said that to me. But I make no excuses... I love hard rock but swoon when I hear Pacelbel's Canon in D Minor; I love lacy things but I have lots of leather too; my politics are all over the board being conservative on some points but please don't think you can legislate what medical procedures are available to me...
OK, Ms. Nomz... that's 20
I love the fact that life is falling into place and both my sons are happier then I could ever dream. I love that I have three new members of my family and what a great addition they are. I hate that I am 40 something and I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up, because being a mom and wife is what I'm good at. I hate that my son feels like he is not appreciated, when he really is. I hate that his dad keeps most good feelings locked up and only lets out the bad ones. I love that I have the time and means to help others even when they may not want it or think they need it. I love that one of the two of my sons lives close by and I get to be a part of his life almost daily, it helps with the fact the other is 14 hours away and I only get to see him once a month. I hate that I over do for peaple and am way to helpfull good or bad. I have a love/hate for my honesty. Not good at the sugar coating of words. I tend to say what I feel and then have to deal with the after math. I hate that the ones I love are struggling to put there life in order and have peaple in there lives that make them sad and feel like they are less then great, because I just want to wrap my mommy arms around them and tell them how wonderful they both are, and what a great job they are doing at making a family for them selfs. I hate when peaple put others down to only bring them selves up. I love that my oldest is a kind, loving, hard working man, and that he has found the love of his life. Most of all I love that my life is over all really good. I love that my husband has been spoiling me and finally relizes we all make this crazy thing called life work together.....
I loved reading the other comments; it's like we're all tucked into a sleepover at the part of the night where the lights go off & all the best talking happens <3
I love when I loan books to people and they fall in love with them the way I did when I first read them. I hate it when dark nail polish chips, I despise clutter & I'm tired of waiting on my thank-you cards to arrive. I rarely drink milk anymore. I take great pride in making sure the people I love know how much they mean to me, and feel really bad if I'm not in touch/don't know what's going on withthem. I miss zen walks. I know people say it all the time, but seriously, I love being married. I'm thankful for all the really crappy things that have happened in the past & people I've left behind, because it all worked together to lead me to where I am now. I'm proud of the person I've become & excited for all that's ahead. I wish my car smelled like incense. I want my hair to grow faster. Someday, I'd love to learn how to French braid. If offered the chance, I could easily exist soley on bread, tomatoes and mozzarella.
I am worried right now. Not a little worried, like "did I feed the dog this morning?" Like a whole lotta worried, like "how will I survive this????" How am I going to raise my son to be a good person and how am I going to pay the bills. I will have literally no money. How am I going to survive not seeing my son all the time? How can I let him go with his dad and spend time away from him. I've never been away from him. How am I going to keep going to college with no house and no car. How am I ever going to be able to date again? Let alone ever get married again. I hate the situation that I am in. How am I going to be able to be the mom I want to be while working and going to school. I miss not being with him all the time. I stayed home with him and was the perfect little housewife for almost 4 years. I wasn't happy with my marriage but I was ok in my own little world. I had a spotless house and dinner on the table every night. Now I don't even have a pot to cook in. Literally. It's not fair that I am the one to lose everything when my husband (soon to be ex) gets to keep his happy little life. The only reason I can even get out of bed some mornings is that I know I have to best little 3 year old boy in the world to keep me company. I will do this by myself. I will figure out a way to keep him safe, healthy and happy. I will be going completly crazy in my head but I will keep it to myself. I will make this work. That's it for my venting!! (For today :) Thanks for listening/reading!It feels good to type it out a little.
I love you Naomi
*sigh*
I'm currently confused, astounded, and in awe that my life is falling into place but full of chaos and uncertainty and stress all at the same time. I love it. How is that? I actually love the thought of being a mother and am embracing the new reality that everything I do will impact the little person I'm carrying around inside of me. I love the love my BF and I share. Raw and open and candid and honest and LOUD... I love how we don't keep our mouths shut or our thoughts/feelings to ourselves and wish more people could feel free and safe enough to do that. I'm sad that people imprison themselves with their own pain and misery. I'm sad when she uses him to fulfill some sick self hate to whatever end she thinks she needs or wants...and that the little one is always stuck in the middle. I miss the "us" that was before reality smacked us in the face but I love that we are working through life and living in order to give our baby the best we can give. I love that he's always expanding his mind and I love that everytime he says "I love you" I hear every sappy love song on the planet in chorus all at once and it's beautiful.
Ah...done... VERY nice Nomz... I miss you bunches!
I car sing EVERYDAY and I don’t care if you stare. You are just jealous that you aren’t brave enough to look crazy. I also car dance. Same theory. It’s addicting. I highly recommend it. I love to laugh. My favorite time of any day is when we have laughed so much our faces hurt and we have to TRY to frown. I’m lucky to have found a person who can make me this happy EVERY DAY. I love him. I LOVE media. All media. Books, MUSIC, movies, magazines, everything. I want to know everything and learn everything.. or at least most things. I’m starting school again in the spring. Horrified. What if I all the sudden suck at it? I feel like I also suck at making new friends. I’m so awkward. Maybe it’s because my bffs and husband already are aware and okay (mostly, anyway, I think) with all my extreme neurosis and it’s hard to hide it so much anymore. I am a firm believer that lying to people you love only makes things worse for everyone involved. Even if it ends badly, at least everyone knows the truth. I’m fiercely political, but I live in the wrong place for anything I say or think to not fall on deaf ears. I AM OBSESSED WITH TEXTING like I’m a 16 year old. I am pretty sure that it’s annoying to everyone around me. I may or may not need therapy for it at some point. Or therapy in general. I don’t want to live here forever. Moving away is a top 3 life goal. I am on a perpetual diet. I like to blame the media. But mostly I just like food. A lot. And I am gullible for any “quick fix” diet. Science is amazing. You never know. Music has saved my LIFE more than one time. 100% why I love it so much. It has done so much for me. I wish I could repay it. I LOVE GETTING TATTOOS. I have so many planned but I am running out of hide-able places. Maybe I should just come clean. I get mad when people make assumptions about people with tattoos. We are not all hooligans. All my tattoos have MEANING and might require explanation, but I won’t justify them to anyone who doesn’t understand or who doesn’t want to. I just think self-expression and CONFIDENCE are important. If I ever have kids, I will teach them that as much as possible. THAT IS A HUGE IF. Much to the bemusement of my mother. Currently I don't have enough patience for our dogs, let alone kids. Also, I have an extremely high standard to live up to, as I have the best mom OF ALL TIME and wouldn't want to be anything less than she is for me. I am SO nostalgic for the past. Only because I wish I was the person I am now back then. I would have told a lot more people t eff off, instead of getting walked all over all the time. Can’t be who I am now without being who I was then, though, I guess. My bff is the ONLY person I have ever known to understand this to the fullest extent. I guess that's more than 5 minutes...
I appreciate Nomz for inspiring us all to do this. Although I only recently met her and have only hung out with her a few times, I enjoy her positivity and how brave and fierce (in the Tyra way, not the violent way) she is. <3
I love where I am in life, but I still hate the stresses life brings. I miss being the person who I used to think I was. Who knows if I really was, but I miss that energy and passion that I felt. I love watching my kids grow, and I wish I could have the patience to be the mom they really need all of the time. I know I am not perfect, but it drives me even more crazy to watch middle-age mothers still not be good to their kids. Why don't they realize from the moment you have a kid, life is no longer about you? I am physically and mentally tired and stressed. I hate that I feel like I should control things to the point my frustration, stress, and fear bring me to my breaking point. I love that a child can bring me back from that breaking point with calmness and caring that no one else seems to show. If he can handle it all, I sure as hell better be able to as well. And there I am again back at square one putting everything into someone else's hands and hope they handle it like I would, but this time I have a greater calm about me. It all will be done, and it all will be ok. I wish I had the strength to put that much passion into bettering myself physically. I hate people who judge others, fully knowing I do the same at times. I love my ability to be blunt and honest, yet I hate that it disappears when I need it the most. I love the happiness in my life. I feel for the many who I know who do that single-mamma thing, yet I love that I have them to keep me in check of how truly blessed I am to have an amazing husband and father for my kids. I am so sick of bad dreams and this constant hurt in my belly that won’t go away, all probably signs of being stressed out. I yearn for the friends who care about me as I do about them. I love days to be at home and just snuggle the family. I am not ready for fall to turn to winter. I hate waiting for phone calls, and wish others were more understanding. I hate being talked to like I am stupid and people who don’t listen, but I love the feeling when you find someone who does. It makes them that much more special. And I look forward to the days when the current worries are behind me, so I can look forward to thinking about something else. I count my blessings for the worries I have, as I know someone else has something way worse to worry about.
JFA said…
I second the slumber party feeling and being able to tell all. And Nicole – Ive been there – I too lost everything in my divorce but I will tell you from one girl to another – you are a strong independent woman with a chance to build it all back and it will happen!
I have to say its been a long three years but the best part? On Monday it will be 11 months that I have spent with the man I love. And we are so happy together and it shows – or so I have been told
I love the life that I have – Im living on my kind of farm with tractors all over and that is an understatement. I was informed yesterday that there are 44 just in the “collection”. I love them all – each one is individual and has its own story of how it was acquired.
My dogs are super happy – they too love their farm and running in a real yard and love riding on tractors. My little girl dog who has hated every guy after my abusive ex is in love with the same guy I am. Its said that dogs have a second sense for goodness and kindness and love – well she found it just like I did. You don’t have to ask her or my little boy dog twice if they want to go for a ride in the black Dodge.
I love my teaching career and in just two weeks I will have the answer I have been waiting over a year to hear. I have been working on my National Teaching license – it is the only way to get a raise this year – so prayers please that I passed. Its my last chance – and if you are a test grader – I would like to please read the words – Congratulations – you passed.
6 years ago I thought the world was falling apart when I mis-carried a baby at 10 weeks. I never thought in a million years I would be a divorcee. It all happens for a reason and I think and believe that I have found the best one yet – love was out there I just happened upon it. I have also learned that things that go unspoken – should be talked about, and advocate for your own body you know when something is not right. My friend Jessica at 35 last year found out that she had breast cancer. She has been cancer free for one year, with our awesome technology had an amazing reconstruction and is now pregnant with her second child due in December. Its taken I can’t even tell you how long to figure out that I have cysts on my ovaries and fibroids in my uterus. On December 22nd I will have a laproscopic/hysteroscopic/D&C that will hopefully take care of those two problems and leave me to have a miracle baby one day when the time is right.
I love my family – my sister who at 33 is applying to vet school to chase her longtime dream of a large animal vet, my brother who owns his own trucking company who will hopefully keep those wheels safely turning and keep making money and my mother who is still teaching 5th grade and takes care of my Grandmother. I also love that the man I love calls and invites my brother to hang out with us and took time off work to go to California with me to hang out and meet my sister.
I have an amazing group of friends. I don’t even know where to begin. They have all picked me up at one point in time, listened to various stories, and even one who offered her own house a place for me and my dogs to stay when no-where else was safe. I have met my dreams and have many more to come in the future. It’s a non- stop life long learning process in which we are all here for.
Ms Nomz – you have done good girl! I love your friendship , your girls, your boy and your photography skills. You are an amazing independent strong woman!
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