♫ A firecracker coming undone...

There are days I actually, absolutely, come undone. I lose control of my emotions, my patience, and my mind all together. Today was one of those days.

The fuse was lit this morning, when I realized that I had to get Kyanne ready for school, make sure she was fed first (Hi, this is is me, admitting that I rely on the babysitter to feed by kids every morning.). We rushed through the perfect outfit - a capri/cute tank combo, found a dress for Leyna bug to feel special in, rushed out the door after the perfect hairdo, and ran to the grocery store, where they picked out blueberry muffins and organic juice (made of good choices, my kids).

My mom was texting/calling all morning, making sure I felt confident with where the classroom was, how the girls were feeling, and where the school was actually located. I was terrified. Kyanne was excited. And Leyna was completely envious of her sister.

Pulling in to the school yard, Kyanne started to shriek. I haven't seen a kid that excited in forever. Well, you know, next to the week before when they got to ride horses with grandma. "Forever" is a couple of days in our lives.

I let my eyes wander from scared mama, to scared mama...coming to the realization that I am a single mom. Everybody there had somebody with them. A spouse, a best friend, a sister, a mom. A support system of some kind...and right when I was ready to break down at the thought of feeling most alone in the world, I realized that I had a little hand in each of mine. I had a brave pre-K kiddo, and her little sister, fully prepared to walk me to the school and muster up the strength that I didn't have.

My mom was waiting for us, greeting every scared parent at the front doors, she was there. She's assisting at the summer program in the Special Education room, you see, and I'm so glad.

The school smelled exactly like schools always smell...of cafeteria food and basketball courts, and was full of panicky mama's, and excited, squeaky tennishoes on the patterned floor. Bright pictures all of the walls, Leyna bounding around leading the way through the halls she had never been in, and Kyanne holding my hand...because I was squeezing it so tightly she had no choice. At one point, she tried to convince grandma to get me to let go, and I couldn't. She just kept saying "Let go mama, I'm fine!"...couldn't do it.

The teacher was fantastic. She was so excited to meet my baby, and treated her as if she was already her favorite little helper in class. I'm sure every parent got a similar greeting, but she immediately calmed every nerve in me that was terrified of her getting lost or forgotten in mad shuffle of the hallways.

When we hit the playground, Kyanne immediately found a shy friend, held her hand, and let her walk with her to the playground. Mid-walk, I begged her to come back and hug me. With tears in my eyes, I realized that my baby was growing up. And that no matter how hard I drove away that day, that my heart was staying on that playground. She hugged her sister, bid us goodbye, and walked hard away with confidence of a girl four years older than I've been treating her. My baby, is not a baby.

Leyna and I observed for a bit, giving us the chance to see grandma in action. My mom swiftly and gracefully swept up every broken hearted little kiddo that couldn't walk away from their mama's, and made them feel completely safe, secure, and grown up in an instant.

Leyna and I got in the car and started to pull out when we heard the bell ring. Knowing I couldn't leave without seeing her enter the school safely, we pulled up aside the school. Leyna was SO excited to see her sister lead the way up to the teacher. She said "mama, I'm going to miss Kyanne today...but I'm glad you let me wear a purple dress and bring a new puzzle."

Aside from the random tears down my face through the day, I've survived. And, thanks to a lunch time phone call, so did she. On that phone call, I asked her if she had fun at school, and she responded with "Mom, I found some flowers at school, I am giving them to Leyna!". Where did I get girls with such big hearts?

She can't wait to go back tomorrow. If this evening lasts "forever"...I won't mind so much.

Yours Truly,
Nomz