**Dear Office: A Rant

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~Nomz and Sazaran

Dear Office: A Rant

I have a complaint. Or twelve.

-I will not participate in the latest trend diet, sustaining on only specific teas and vegetation until I’m face first on my keyboard from lack of anything my body needs. And I don’t care that you do.

-I don’t wear heels or open-toed shoes because I choose not to completely restructure the way I’ve walked this green earth for roughly twenty-three years and also, I can’t afford a pedicure every f***ing week. Do not question my lack of ridiculous footwear unless you want me to question your f***ing cankles.

-Just because there’s a fancy new creamer in the office kitchen does not mean you can take it home and hoard it all to yourself, you greedy, caffeine-guzzling snot.

-There’s a very standard volume tolerance in corporate America . Oh, this is news to you? That’s because you’re the guy having discussions/bragging about much-too-personal, completely-unrelated-to-your-job specifics such as: how much you paid for your watch and/or how much you drank last night. Newsflash: You’re a douche.

-REPLY-TO-ALL IS NOT TO BE USED ON EVERY SINGLE E-MAIL THAT DARES PASS THROUGH YOUR INBOX.

-Seriously, get your own {gosh-darned) scissors.

-Passive aggression is not an effective way to get your message across. But it is hilarious, so keep it up.

-Consider your readers before hitting forward on that religious propaganda that’s fourteen pages long, 13.5 of which are all forward headers.

-A long winded explanation that is actually only one sentence should be cause for termination.

-If you’re going to leave your phone number on my voicemail, you can assume I am going to write it down. Unless my recording says, “You’ve reached Rain Man, please speed through your contact info so I can retain it immediately,” then slow the fu*** down.

-You do not need a receipt for every e-mail I open. Turn that sh** off.

-Oh, an offsite meeting at 3pm on Friday? I CALL BULLSH** TO YOUR SLACKING FACE.

-We’re co-workers, not blood relatives. Keep the fake pleasantries to yourself. If you don’t actually care how my weekend was its okay not to ask.

-I’m not above some shallow gossip but if you think I’m going to alienate myself completely by huddling up with your clique and discussing every being that walks by, including other members of your clique, you’ve recruited the wrong member.

-If you didn’t bring it for lunch, it is not yours.

-Park in a single parking space, a**hole. Unless miraculously you’ve driven two vehicles simultaneously to work you are allowed only one space per four wheels. Douche.

-No matter how catchy and unbelievably hilarious your new ring tone – turn it down. Or I’ll submerge it in my coffee.

-It is a common courtesy to give someone a chance to sit, breathe, boot up and gather caffeine before you bombard them with your needs, all of which lose importance when given in such a manner.

-Sure I’ll do your filing! When my wage was minimum.

Warm regards,

Calamity Jill

PS. See you at happy hour.