Thursday, December 3, 2009

Le Divorce

It’s odd how often divorce is brought up, discussed, argued over, etc. It’s a really sad thing that all too many people are going through. It’s all too common, and it’s heart wrenching. We had a ghost blog come in this week on it, and thought we’d add our own twist to it by giving it a few different perspectives. We ask that you participate by commenting, but as always-and especially this time-for a healthy, non-judgmental discussion. Those that feel the need to come down on our writers, our authors, or our comment-ers will be deleted. We appreciate you opening up your heart and mind to this blog, and love you for taking the time to read it and think hard about some of the things said. It took a lot of guts to put this stuff out there!

Nomz:

It’s been over a year since I left. According to my therapist, I’ve been mentally gone for about two and a half. That’s right…I have a therapist, and I highly recommend therapy to every person going through anything life-altering. I have an amazing support system-full of friends and family that both agree and disagree with my choice-and a therapist. An outsiders view with no emotional attachment, lending a shoulder and handing out expert advice.

Divorce sucks. It’s not easy. It’s heartbreaking. Even if you know with all your heart that you are not supposed to be there…you have to make that choice to break up a family. Whether you have kids or not, you’re walking away from your entire lifestyle. Your ex’s family. Your family has to let go of your ex (even in a healthy divorce, relationships with opposite families are completely shaken). People will judge you. Cast you out. Give you advice that’s not welcome. Make you feel unloved. Some people will encourage you to make the choice for you. As much as you want support, you don’t want to talk about it. As much as you love your support system, you wish you were left alone. It’s the most emotionally shaking experience you’ll ever go through, one that follows you forever, and changes every relationship going forward. It’s the definition of “baggage”.

You’ve got remember though…divorce doesn’t separate you from Christ’s love. You’ve got to remember that finding your happiness, finding your true self…is more valuable than any other persons opinion. You’ve got to follow your heart, and trust that you’re making the right call. You’ve got to stand strong when you feel like crumbling. It’s amazing how many new opportunities came my way when I chose to walk. Things really worked themselves out, almost as a sign that I did the right thing. In fact, I'm confident I made the right choice...if for no other reason than to realize that I'm happier now then I ever was there. I also think you have to go through something bad-to appreciate when things are great. I've found somebody amazing, and am so happy that I'm not taking that for granted.

The statistics are scary. Divorce isn’t “right”, in my opinion…but sometimes, when you’re young and naïve, you make choices you shouldn’t. And you have a right to change your mind. One door closes to another door opened. As long as you love yourself, it doesn’t really matter what everybody else thinks.

People ask “how do you make that choice? How do you walk away?” Or…”overnight you went from happy to divorced.”…let me tell you, from an outsiders view, it may seem like relationships break overnight. It takes time to fall in love with a person, and it takes time to fall OUT of love with a person. It’s not ever overnight. And it hurts like hell. God can heal broken relationships, God can heal you-should you choose to walk.

"My Song" when I made that choice...I listened to it over, and over, and over....



You can read most of what I learned here: Letter to Me. Follow your heart…your “inside voice”. It’s the only thing that won’t lie to you.

Yours Truly,
Nomz

Sazaran:

I was going to write a whole, heartfelt blog about getting through divorce without feeling like Hell is your destination... that was a little too serious for me. I shall save it for a different time. Right now, I will introduce you to some awesomely therapeutic breakup songs that will rock your face off, get a little aggression out and make you feel better about the breakup. It's cheaper and more efficient than a shrink, right?!


#1. All American Rejects- Gives You Hell (we all have to admit it, the best line is "truth be told, I miss you and truth be told... I'M LYIN'")







#2. P!nk- So What. Yeah, try not to sing along with this song and feel like the strongest.woman.ever. I dare ya.







#3. Kelly Clarkson- Already Gone (Bimbo Jones Remix). I'd like to change one line in this song: "You could have loved me better."








Take these songs with a glass of Arbor Mist and if you don't feel better by the morning give me a call.....


Ghost Blogger:

The Dreaded ‘D’ word...or should we say, the beginning of new ‘L’ (Life)?

This blog is about DIVORCE. That darn ‘D’ word is almost as bad as the ‘F’ word...people don’t like to say it, talk about it or do it.

This blog may be a bit too much for some of you to read, but please read it anyway. Read it for yourself, read it for your friends, read it for your parents or your children. You may not agree with the content of this blog, but that is ‘ok’...you are entitled to your own opinion. This is about ME and sharing my past divorce experience.

I myself have been through a divorce. My husband and I were more like roommates or good friends after many, many years of marriage. We loved each other still, but were not IN love with each other and hadn’t been for several years. We married at a very young age, then grew up and grew apart. We continued to attend church every Sunday morning together. We also attended family dinners, weddings, funerals or what have you, together. We put on such a ‘happy’ front for everyone, that none of our friends knew that we were truly unhappy.

The thought of divorce was extremely scary. We would need to divide and separate all assets. We would lose all our couple friendships (or those couples would need to decide whose side to take). Our families would be distraught because they still would want to invite both of us to dinner. Our church family would be shaken...’oh my, who cheated on whom’, of course assuming the worst because that is how the rumor mill goes.

Fast forward. The first year after our divorce was an emotional time for all, our families adjusting to our split, even though we were still ‘friends’. Our church connections accepting us sitting separately at church services. Our close couple friends understanding that they could still be friends with both of us and if not, they were truly not our friends in the first place.
Fast forward again. Even though after that many years of being married, we had finally divorced...we are BOTH now in new and wonderful loving Christian relationships. We are both MUCH happier in our new lives, with our new (and old) friends, and our Church community still loves us both, more than ever. Why? Because we are NO longer ‘faking it’ for the outside world. We are now in loving and productive Christian lives.

God does not like divorce, at all. But, also, God will not judge us alone, on this one major event in our lives. God wants us to be truly happy. I know God loved me before my divorce and I know God is happy with me now and loves me unconditionally.
Take that chance, take the hardest step you’ve ever taken, hurt a little, hurt a lot, rock the boat...but...be sincerely happy and joyful for the rest of your life...

-Ghost Blogger

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm sure this was a tough blog for the ghost writer, but I do agree with her. That 1st step is the hardest ever. And to divorce and then have 10, 20 or 50 years remaining of true, sincere joy and happiness (like she said, no more faking it), deep love, deep friendship, is worth the pain and heartbrake.

Sazaran said...

I'd like to add that even though our stories differ, we all share similiar pains, joys and strengths. At least I do. I also agree with most every point that Nomz and our ghost blogger made.

Oh... and is it just me or would Tyson Ritter make an excellent Edward Cullen?? Yum. :)

Anonymous said...

I read through this and I agree. I'm divorced and I feel that I made the right choice for my children. I wanted them to see LOVING parents... not ones at one anothers' throats.
However... marriage has given me a bitter taste. Maybe that's why I run away once it gets serious. One thing I do know is that divorce SUCKS!! I never want to do it again. I never want to put my family, friends or children through that. Nor do I want to experience the pain that comes with it. I use to believe that I would get married again. 10 years later... still dating. I'm TERRIFIED of the D word. People/couples that I admired, that I thought would NEVER in a million years even discuss divorce, have done so. My parents, after 13 years of marriage, divorced. 50 - 60% of all marriages end in divorce and I'm sure that the other 10% of those go to prison for homicide! lol
My therapist - I have one too :) - says that you have to WORK at remaining in love and that it is hard work. That you just have to step out in faith and continue on in the path. But when does it become enough? When do you say that you just need to throw in the towel? And even through all the anger and hurt - when do you sit back and remember WHY you fell in love with that person in the first place?
I hope that next time I get married - IF - I remember the following:
1. Not to take him for granted. It's so easy to do. We do it with our family, friends and children as well. I know personally, I done it! I want to make sure that I don't neglect the little things that are special to him.
2. I want to take time for US! Not scheduling sex... being spontaneous... laughing together or even just a weekly date night. I don't want to get caught up in life and realize a couple years down the road we are now residing as roommates.
3. TALK to him!! Meaning I don't just shove it inside when he does something that annoys the HELL out of me.
4. Most of all ... this sounds silly... BUDGET together so that we don't fight about money. Number one reason for divorce is money issues. I don't want to be another statistic.

Thanks for writing about this.

Nomz said...

Anonymous #2:

Amen, Amen, Amen!

Nomz

Anonymous said...

Thank you all so much for sharing your hearts about this topic. I truely appreciate it! I have never been divorced and don't know what it feels like, but it is good to get a perspective from some who know!

The reason I felt led to comment on this blog is that I think some of your statements are misleading. I do not mean to judge anyone or to make anyone feel bad. Again, I do not live in your world and would never presume to know what it is like. I simply wish to share what I have learned about God.

First of all, I believe with all my heart that God can take any situation or event and use it to bring us closer to him. I have experienced this forgiveness and heart change myself when I ignored all that I knew was right and had a homosexual relationship. He has proven to me that he is always faithful even when I am not and I have been set free from my life of sin. So can you go on and live a life that is honoring and glorifying to God after a divorce? ABSOLUTELY!

Now on to what I disagree with. Two of you said in this blog that you know God wants you to be happy. If you are a Christian, that is just not a true statement. Our purpose in life is to glorify God. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, or even suggest, that God put us here on this earth to make us happy. Yes, he does want us to have life and live it more abundantly, but that does not mean that we will necessarily be "happy." Especially if what we think will make us happy goes against HIS word. If we are faithful, we will get our reward, but maybe not even in this lifetime. He says that we are to take up our cross and follow him (meaning Jesus). When Jesus was carrying a cross, he was headed to the place of ultimate sacrifice. He was headed to death upon a cross and seperation from God, all so that we could have eternal life! That is what we are commanded to follow.

If you believe that the Bible is truely the inerrant word of God, please read Matthew 19:3-9. In this passage, Jesus himself states that when a man and woman are married, "they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man seperate." Later he states that "Moses, becuase of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." It goes on to state (in this passage as well as in Matt 5:31-32) that "whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultry."

Again, I do not want any of you to think that I am judging you for your decisions. I am not. I have made my fair share of mistakes, probably more than any of you. I am the worst of sinners, and I have been saved by grace just as I hope you have been! My purpose is to simply tell you what the Bible has to say about this subject because I believe that the Bible is the standard that we should base our lives upon. Not our own happiness, and certainly not our own wants and desires. If you are anything like me, you can very easily lie to yourself. The only thing that does not change and that can ALWAYS be trusted in any and every circumstance is the Word of God.

I know that you may not post this, but please at least think about what I said and know that I love each of you very much and am praying for you. Thank you again for your honesty and for this blog. May you all be amazingly blessed!

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous #3 from #2

Question: Do you want happiness for your own children?

OF COURSE YOU DO! Because they are your children! Even if you don't have any yet... We don't *have* to tell our children that... we just assume they know. Why? Because we tell them we love them, correct? And God tells us in the Bible that He loves us. Therefore the Bible may not directly say that He wants us to be happy but we know it because we are His children and He loves us.

-Sylvia
Anonymous #2

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I do have children and yes I do want them to be happy, but not at the expense of disobedience to me. For example, if I tell my son that he is not allowed to play in the street I expect him to obey me without question even though what would make him really happy is to play in that street. I am protecting him from himself and the hurt that would surely come to him if he plays there. Becuase I am his mom and it is my desire to protect him, I look at the situation from a different perspective than he does. All he can think about is that it would make him happy to play there. He thinks I am a mean mom not to allow him to. But since I can see the danger that he cannot see, I do not allow him to play there even though he begs and is extremely unhappy with my choice. I think it is the same way with God (though I certainly don't want to make a parallel between myself and a perfect and Holy God). Divorce tears apart something that God made and intended for it to stay together. And again, I am not living in your shoes and I do not know what it is like, but I do know that it hurts. It hurts the man and the woman and it hurts the children and it hurts others that you might not even think it would hurt as well. God, because he cares for us, doesn't want us to experience that hurt. I think that is why He warns us against divorce. Not becuase he doesn't want us to be happy, but becuase he can see the whole picture even when we can't.

Anonymous #3

Anonymous said...

This comment is for anonymous who had the homosexual relationship. I appreciate your comments and candidness fully. It is great to see another view on 'Le Divorce' blog.

I do know what the Bible says (Matthew and Matt), but a person who gets a divorce whether based on infidelity or just because (not a reason, but everyone has their own reasons), may be committing adultry, but we can be FORGIVEN for our sins due to God's LOVE for us. Every SIN can be forgiven, we just need to say close to God and beg for his forgiveness.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely LOVE your taste in music :)

I do not know how divorce feels, but I do know how hard that decision can be. My husband and I had at one point gone through a very rough patch shortly after our children were born. It was a terrible time in my life that lasted for about a year until I said I was leaving. It was at that time that we both decided that we did Love each other and our relationship was worth saving. We have worked very hard to get through some very difficult things, but we are happier now than we ever have been. Relationships are tough; raising a family is tough. Sometimes relationships cannot be saved and for the health and happiness of both people involved divorce is the answer. I grew up with parents that hated each other, and should have gotten a divorce. They stayed together for the sake of their children, but I think it was harder on us to watch them fight and know that they didn't love each other. Talk about a relationship complex :) They just recently divorced now that us siblings are all adults now. Either route, it takes a lot of blood sweat and tears (and a therapist or two)to survive the ride.

You ladies are incredible, and never doubt that you have made the right decisions for your families. You and only you know what is best for you and your happiness.

~S

Lover of your BLOG! said...

I've been reading all this and finally think it's time to pipe in:

Whether a person believes in divorce or not, "pretending or faking it" for the sake of your children, friends, family, church groups or career reasons, is more of a crime or sin, than an actual divorce itself.

Wake up, live for real and enjoy the time you have left in your lives. Your children, your family, your church group and even your boss will understand and respect you more for your boldness.

Good job Nomz, Sarazan and Ghost Blogger! It was about time this subject was discussed.

Anonymous said...

WOW- what an amazing, thought provoking blog--on a tough subject that no one wants to talk about and therefore we just accept and never do the hard part "analyze, and try to find "truth"" from divorce. I would have to agree with the anonymous that made the homosexual comment. I believe that marriage is WORK, and to give it up because you aren't "happy" is the easy way out. If you are not "happy" because of abuse from your partner (verbal, physical, emotional etc.) that is one thing, but even then you should exhaust all avenues of counseling/help before shutting the door. Here's my point, if you after so many years (or even months) of marriage aren't "happy" (meaning you have to schedule sex, they don't have that "spark", you don't FEEL happy with that person, they don't 'complete' you) who's to say that you are going to find that happiness elsewhere? And if marriage is about being married for a short time until it is not longer "happy" then what is the point of even getting married in the first place? Have your kids, have your house together whatever...but don't make the commitment if you have the mentality that if it doesn't work out you can move on? or if you aren't happy there's always an out? God doesn't like divorce--plain and simple--the only "out" is adultry and I know of many marriages that even after that the WORKED to get thru it and have a stable, more honest, relationship after alot of work, heartache and counseling.
I don't want to judge...I am truly a sinner thru and thru myself, but I am getting frustrated with our society that demands "happiness" and instant gratification without the work or responsibility. True happiness comes from within and you have to fight to keep it--same with a marriage it is a WORK in progress and takes WORK---Nomz stated that she's been working with a therapist, and sounds like she has realized that true happiness comes from within and she's also stated in past blogs how she worked her tail end off to keep the family together---well, she made the efforts (real/true efforts) and because realtinoships are a two way street, if her ex wasn't making efforts then she can truly walk away knowing she gave it her all, knowing that God will (and has) blessed that decision.
My point is, readers, please give it your all to work on the problems within the marriage, don't use the scape goat of just needing to be "happy" truly give it your all--otherwise you are decieving yourself on trying to find true happiness.....hope this makes sense... :)

Daily Offensive (baha!) said...

We really got some excellent feedback to this blog. I love that we had different opinions, and you all kept them tasteful, and discussed them so well. Every single one had excellent points.

Some of my favorite points from a few of the comments above:

*3. TALK to him!! Meaning I don't just shove it inside when he does something that annoys the HELL out of me.

*4. Most of all ... this sounds silly... BUDGET together so that we don't fight about money. Number one reason for divorce is money issues. I don't want to be another statistic.

*I believe with all my heart that God can take any situation or event and use it to bring us closer to him.

*I believe that the Bible is the standard that we should base our lives upon. Not our own happiness, and certainly not our own wants and desires. If you are anything like me, you can very easily lie to yourself.

*It hurts the man and the woman and it hurts the children and it hurts others that you might not even think it would hurt as well. God, because he cares for us, doesn't want us to experience that hurt. I think that is why He warns us against divorce. Not because he doesn't want us to be happy, but because he can see the whole picture even when we can't.

*You ladies are incredible, and never doubt that you have made the right decisions for your families. You and only you know what is best for you and your happiness.

*Relationships are tough; raising a family is tough. Sometimes relationships cannot be saved and for the health and happiness of both people involved divorce is the answer. I grew up with parents that hated each other, and should have gotten a divorce. They stayed together for the sake of their children, but I think it was harder on us to watch them fight and know that they didn't love each other

*I am truly a sinner thru and thru myself, but I am getting frustrated with our society that demands "happiness" and instant gratification without the work or responsibility. True happiness comes from within and you have to fight to keep it--same with a marriage it is a WORK in progress and takes WORK

*please give it your all to work on the problems within the marriage, don't use the scape goat of just needing to be "happy" truly give it your all--otherwise you are deceiving yourself on trying to find true happiness.....

Honestly? My favorite comment on this blog is from the anonymous above-not because they addressed my issues specifically, but because whoever you are, has a mind that seems to be running parallel with my thoughts exactly.

Thank you for letting us get this out there, for discussing it like so civilly-it's HARD with such a tough subject! We appreciate you!

In Christ,
Nomz

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